Scared/child mode:

Give me perfection in every sense because I can't/don't want to deal with heartache.

Dear Bed,

I love you.

I can't believe I spent those countless nights watching ridiculous tv shows, instead of keeping safe in your warm embrace.

I promise, there will not be any (as many) tv shows that I watch, when I should be spending time with you.

All I want right now is to be lost in the soft caress of your high thread count cotton sheets, like a breezy, starry summer night.

But I must stay away for now.

I will soon return.

Much Love,

One and the only one you are made for

Neend aaye na, gotta wake up at 5am.

bastay hain meray dil main kayee armaan

k neend ab aa bhi jaaye na

A friend is telling me the story of his broken engagement and wedding that was called off. They had been together for 7 years.

I would be completely incapable if that were to happen to me. Seven years is long, and if you have decided to marry someone, you are already completely into it (on one level).

Can I mend all broken hearts somehow? :(

I read the following shair closely for the first time, after hearing it a monstrous number of times growing up.

Khudi ko ker buland itna k har taqdeer se pehlay
Khuda banday se khud poochay, bata teri raza kya hai

Raise yourself so high that before deciding your fate
God asks you, what it is you desire

Khirad k pass khabar k siva kuch aur nahin
Tera elaaj nazar k siva kuch aur nahin

Intellect has nothing but facts
Your cure is nothing but reflection

I am clearly obsessed with iqbal.

**On second thought,  I am not sure what exactly he meant by "nazar" in the second line.

Iqbal

Lol.

Nawa-e-subahgahi ne jigar khoon kar diya mera
Khudaya jis khata ki yeh saza hai, woh khata kya hai?
-Iqbal

Morning call for prayers tortured my heart
God, what sin is this atonement for?

Iqbal

To be remembered re: passions

Iqbal:

Sitaron se aagay jahan aur bhi hain
Abhi ishq k imtehaan aur bhi hain

Non-relevant:
From the same poem

Agr kho gaya aik nasheman tou kya ghum
Muqamaat-e-aah-o-fughaan aur bhi hain

If one home is lost, why grieve
There are still other places for sighing and grieving
^i heart

Ok, more:

Isi roz-o-shab main ulajh kar na reh jayen
K teray zamaan o makaan aur bhi hain

Let's not get tangled up in the everyday
There are other times and places (for you) as well

Gaye din k tanha tha main anjuman main
Yahaan ab meray raaz-daan aur bhi hain

Gone are the days when I was alone among gathering
Here, now, I have secret keepers
:)

ripples

All it is, is a memory

pushed against the strongest of my heart

It aches, every time the weight of the memory

runs through my veins

Pressing it against the strongest of my heart

It aches, for just that moment

And leaves ripples of the ache behind.

If it weren't for the little lies,

just a tiny bit of deception

And the desire to get away unscathed,

this wouldn't exist.

If it weren't for the fear,

the uncertainty, 

our beautiful birth

and eventual death,

this wouldn't exist.

Now, it is, and will be

For the days ahead

Until the strongest of my heart has bruised itself

a little, 

under the weight of the memory

And healed.

I just found out an acquaintance is gay.

So she asked if I have ever "liked" a girl. I told her I dont and have never.

To which she said: "I always thought straight people were lying... but now I am learning that people are genuinely straight"

O, sweeet irony.

Have I found a new passion? Because I am giddy with excitement. *dances*

Hope I am not jumping to conclusions too soon. Hope I continue to enjoy this. *dances*

I lunged my laptop's charger at my forehead, and hit me rather hard. For a moment, I felt like I was going to faint. Then I remembered the children of the Peshawar incident. The pain of a bullet piercing through your skin, a number of times vs. the end of my laptop charger lunged at my head.

I need to become more tolerant to physical pain.

Do you have to be a tad anxious to be a good parent?

Does being a relaxed parent make you a bad parent?

Neend aatee nahin saaree saree raat
koi sonay de mujhay saree subh o shaam

Aik tu jo nahin, aaj meray paas
mujh ko bezaar karay saree kainaat

teray aur meray raastay hon kabhi na juda
(na juda)

kya janay koi jaaga hai kaise, meree jaan
ye zindagi tou ho rahee hai bekaar

tere bin hai jaan aisay badan main
jaise paaye ka salan ho ragon main

main tu yehee chahoon, dooriyan na rahain dooriyan
(dooriyan)

woh neend se bhaagi aankhon main ghoomay din raat
tu sara waqt rehta tha meray sath

blanketon main jo saaye jawan thay
dhoop main bhi woh bichhartay kahan thay

Neend aatee nahin - Junoon

It must mean something when walking in to work makes you feel excited.

Had the weirdest dream.

I am at work. Spoke with someone who seemed imminently suicidal. I call back their phones, but one is disconnected and the voice mail on the other says something like the person doesn't need anyone anymore/they have no attachments to people or something.

My alarm bells go off in the dream and for God knows what reason I decide to drive over to the person's house, in Niagara Falls. Instead of having someone call the police to check up on them/follow other procedures.

On my way back, after spending an entire day with the person, I realize I wasn't supposed to do that.

Then I wake up.

Existential angst (fear of dying unaccomplished) attacks at 2am on the Wednesday (Thursday) of the vacation week.

Good going, brain!

This, after making my first real painting that turned out unexpectedly nice.

There's beauty in people being them. When people dig into themselves, and become more them...

Part of being me means having a hierarchy to everything. All of my thoughts, feelings, interactions, experiences get sorted out based on a hierarchy. (I really can be quite a critic.)

The hierarchy is of what has/brings the most value. It keeps my life simple in a sense. It keep me streamlined. But it isn't the greatest experience all the time.

Imagine having every cluster of thought being filtered through to see how valuable it is, when detaching from those thoughts is not easy at all.

It goes like this: Feeling of annoyance because people are talking about an individual's choices in their life. I understand the value of gossip from social bonding to passing on of values (e.g. don't cheat or you will be ostracized) to venting and understanding how certain "choices" play out, In that moment, I would feel my annoyance, try to determine all the different reasons why someone might be discussing that individual's particular choice and then decide if I should be annoyed at all. If it is okay to be annoyed, how can I, if at all, get to the bottom of the issue without offending and nipping it in the bud, or leave that conversation. If it is not okay to be annoyed, how can I provide the support and hopefully still move on from that topic.

That is an unbelievable amount of work. (Aside: I think repetition of those experiences highlight a difference in values)

The basic desire there is to do the right thing - which is stronger than me.

It also means many pleasurable activities that are little less "right" based on many other considerations, will not happen. All it is is my set of priorities. Feels kind of like Super Ego.

Also: "One of the fundamental functions of the Ego is Reality Testing"

So, yes, we are all testing reality at one point or anther. 

I love my brown skin. I love it more when around light skinned people. I love the beautiful gold/olive tone my shoulders/back take when tanned.

"reality"

Assholes

Just saw a picture of this guy's baby who I went to school with.

His mom was my kindergarten teacher. I loved her and she remembered me years later.

This guy, a couple years ago, started flirting with me on Facebook. He had been nikkah-ed and it was VERY awkward, so I brought up his wife and he actually said "who cares about the wife".

Now he has a daughter with this girl.

I really, really hope she's happy.

Watched Before Midnight, finally, and loved it!

Watched Interstellar, and I am keeping opinions to myself until I process it.

Badan pe perahan-e-khaak k siva kya hai

ye mera da'ava-e-khud-beeni o jahan-beeni
meri jahalat-e-saffak k siva kya hai

!!!!

During my vacation time, all I plan to do is read.

Hung out with someone from many years ago. Aw, there's a certain kind of people I really like.

She's smart, and "emotional". I really like genuine people. Real conversation about their life with someone they haven't seen in  years. Work, relationships, difficulty letting people go, changing careers, etc. No pretentiousness.

My coworkers are also really cool people. People are open about them seeing therapists, or dealing with difficult life issues/mental health issues. It's just an awesome bunch of people. And they know how to keep it all contained.

Tired and easily annoyed.

People need to get past their opinions that they keep expressing allll the time. Shut up already. Go do something new.

You know what I want to do? 

Go away somewhere by myself; get in the zone working out, get massages, eat delicious food, read like crazy and come back home.

This can be classified as nothing but a sad song. It makes me happy for some reason. Don't ask me!

My only guess is Alka Yagnik's voice, and that it brings back sweeet feelings from long ago. Again, don't ask me, I don't even know what feelings.

On leaving a legacy behind... and fear of death

"When we say we are afraid of death, according to Freud, we may fear something else - such as abandonment, castration, various unresolved conflicts, or otherwise fear of death may be the outcome of a sense of guilt."

Damn it. Just realized my birthday is 11 days away.

This year's plan was to have fun.

I realized how I have been happy lately, for no good reason. This is new. But also because I have been working on eliminating stress.

I be excited for little life experiences. Have one coming up in less than 10 hours :D.

Also, I was thinking about people who have the few things I am working towards, and their lives aren't all that different from mine. So, I can relax. Those things will come.

A teeny success from this week. I walked into work today to find a bunch of emails about how a client of mine had called up the clinical supervisor to tell her how much he appreciated our conversation. He said I asked all the right questions to get him on track. It took me a while to remember who this was, but then I did. He was actually a tad bit annoyed and quite emotionally worked up during our conversation. The director responded to the email saying how rare it was for something like that to happen :D

Nana abbu wrote a whole bunch of poetry after ammani passed away. I can never bring myself to read it all. 

I just spent some time with a family who lost their grown 26 year old son about two years ago. The children (grown adults) seemed pretty relaxed and happy. All the siblings were/are really close.

I don't know what I would do if I were in their shoes. I would stop living for a few years.

Faw is one of my little sources of happiness. Having him in my life makes me happy.

I am actually feeling a little possessive that sis and brother in law are doing all the things for him I do/did for him :p, picking up/dropping from work/school, talking about his life stuffs etc. He's my baby. Even though he's a fully grown adult and sometimes I REALLY don't want to get out of my comfy bed to go pick him up.

He's such a cutie pie. Launches himself on my bed just because he's bored in his room. I have to kick him out sometimes because I'm working.

Even though at work I do not hear about truly traumatic life events that often, outside of work, I am not able to take in too many stories of suffering. If I do, I feel as if I am getting weaker and have to stop. Life's regular stress and traumas too get to you.

The most painful story I heard yesterday was a husband's. His wife committed suicide earlier this month, and he doesn't even know why. He heard that she was seen crying at work the day of. He thinks something must have happened at work - that bad. He was feeling guilty and feeling for his wife, feeling all the pain that she had gone through in her life. He only met her 3 years ago.

I just wanted to hug this man.

This amazing man saves the lives of others on a daily basis (not a doctor). I wish I had conveyed something to him of value, to know how much we appreciate people like him in the society and how his pain is unimaginable for me - but I did not want him to feel alone in his pain. He had yet to tell her therapist that she had passed away. My heart was breaking while I talked to this extremely soft spoken man. He had the presence of mind to get some therapeutic support so that he processes it all well.

Are we all incapable of seeing the reality for what it is? From understanding what has been said to understanding your own personal limitations to how the world works?

Of course that last one cannot be answered objectively.

Are we all in one way or another seeking clarity on the nature of reality? Is that what "growing" and learning about life is?

Forever trying to mend the gap between perception and reality.

I am really stressed and feeling sick.

But I am feeling grateful.

For the first time today, I approached a stranger and talked to them about what is stressing me out.

And I feel so very grateful to this lady. That was a real connection even though I barely knew anything about her. She then shared some things about her and it was just so human of an experience.

This makes me want what I want even more. I want to be the person who is there when life is tough. I want to be the person who is there to support the other person through life's crap.

I feel a lot less stressed. My stress is not questioning my capabilities as a person anymore. Compassion from another person is just so important to remind yourself to have compassion for yourself.

I feel just a tad bit renewed.

Counselling, counselling skills, processes and knowledge of how to approach issues makes me feel alive. So for example something traumatic such as sexual abuse would be handled with a lot more emphasis in the exploration, validation and problem solving orientation phase than on anything else.

Many therapeutic strategies believe that exploration of affect and meaning, combined with the therapeutic alliance with the counsellor is enough to take people through the stages of trauma to a place of acceptance. It is this place of acceptance and ability to manage difficult emotions that is the end result.

Anyway, for many other problems, it is important to move rather quickly from the exploration stage to the problem solving stage. It depends on the issue and the needs of the client.

In my experience, lack of problem solving strategies could seriously leave the client at a loss, where they are unable to move forward. There has to be clear communication where each stage that the counsellor is at is communicated to the client and inquired if they feel okay about moving to the next step or if there is more they want to talk about.

The requirements of the day to day really do take away from connection; be it connection with your self, a higher purpose or other people.

Grrr. Charming jerks! They are charming from afar and real jerks up close.

What makes you feel ALLLLIVEEE?

My list so far:

- a good run
- weight training session
- smell of earth after rain
- getting drenched in the rain when its neither too cold nor humid and hot (after rain)
- getting drenched in a heavenly scent
- deep emotional pain (sadly, but yeah, it makes you feel alive)
- sexiness of a (your own) well toned body (over 3 pounds right now though)
- accomplishing something difficult

Is the grass ever greener on the other side?

On a much lighter note:

How do I immortalize niece's "channa puppoo"!

If I ask what my name is, she says "channa puppoo"
If you ask her her name, she says "leea"
Her baba's name is "Faaash", which also sounds like "fahaash" in urdu (:p)
Her mama's name is "Sameee-mama"
Her brother's name is "z-aayee"

Hung out with an uncle (mamoon) yesterday who tends to be very real about life. He does not hesitate to talk about real, hard facts of life, career and relationships. I appreciate those conversations. It really helps that he is also quite funny.

There have been a few things he has said in passing that have lead me on my own search for information and meaning without ever uttering a word to him. One of the things he said a long time ago, and then again yesterday was that no matter what you do with your life, no matter how ambitious that goal appears to be, you reach a day when it stops requiring as much from you. You get what you do down to a science. As a doctor, he said, he knows exactly what to prescribe when. It happens rather rarely that you have something novel thrown your way which actually requires you to think. I can most definitely see what even the best of routines can do to you.

Yesterday, he also added, if you look back to the last 4 (or so) years of your life and you don't have a good amount of memories, you haven't done much. Your life has become routine and you haven't been living; it's time to make a change. 

It's important to be reminded of that. Repeating routines is not really living. You have to infuse life in your everyday, be it in attempts to move forward or see all situations as anew everyday. Life would be way too dull without that. 

If I only did things for people when *I* actively desired, I wouldn't have any relationships.

Making a compromise and doing something that my occurent feelings do not wish to do right now is me caring for the long term bond with that person. 

Blah

Koi meray dil se poochay, teray teer-e-neem kash ko
Ye khalish kahan se hotee, jo jigar k paar hota

What does it feel like to be you?

Does it feel much the same as being me?

Grr... procrastination or ADD?

Sat down to do some work, did some work then one thought lead to another, ADD came into the picture (I don't know HOW!). My last google search was about adult ADD treatments and "life coaches" *face-palm*

Half an hour wasted.

I get told often that I am really "chill", "relaxed", "calm". It almost always comes as a surprise to me.

In the last two days, two instances of annoyance happened. During both instances, I briefly thought about letting the person-in-question know, but then decided against it. My thought process goes to the *manner of expressing* annoyance. It can be conveyed in a manner that can damage the fabric of the relationship, or strengthen it.

In both instances I was a little too miffed to be able to express my annoyance calmly (there was a build up in both cases). I also figured that I don't feel that annoyed often so decided to let it go.

I guess that may be why I am seen as calm.

But as I am getting older, my boundaries are definitely getting clearer. If my boundaries are crossed one too many times, the person would hear about it - in a respectful suppressed-annoyance sort of a way. If they continue to cross my boundaries, there will definitely be anger. I am no push-over, though possibly unpredictable to an unsuspecting eye - for this reason I have consciously made an effort to start talking about the annoyance before it reaches the anger stage.

I have the capacity to give a whole lot. If I care about you, I will give, in little ways, often. "Giving" is not the intention though, the intention is to maintain a good bond. But no concession on crossing my boundaries.

I am learning that there is a method to my "madness" (anger) and even my compassion. 

Put me in a box,
Go ahead.
I have tried
and failed.
It is your turn, my friend
to explain to me
who I am.
I wish you luck
with your upcoming failure

A few verses from the ghazal sang here:

Decided to go through our yearbook, S's copy. And I am crrringing. Things I said in our grad blurb. Goodness!!! I was in SUCH a different world.

And what I wrote for S. I don't have what it takes to read that. It probably is way, way, way cheesy.

I will most definitely regret letting go of all the moments I could have called people out on their utter misogynistic bullshit. 

I want to exist somewhere even when I don't
I want to be somewhere when I am not
Find me a place
Bring me belonging
let this moment not emulate death
let there be life
let there be love
bring me creation
in the solitude of my existence
bring me passion
bring me solace
let this moment be home
to life

Wohooo! Book chapter! Abstract is loveddd by the committee and "exactly what they were looking for".

Now to organizing, researching and writingggg!

Chhoo kar meray mann ko - Kishore Kumar

Uncomfortably strong feelings? What do I do! Me no likey.

Like. Nooo :'(. Me no want feelings so strong.

Let me be, Emotions. Let me be!

Suspended in the air
hanging by the threads
of hopes and expectations
fear of spreading your wings
fear of falling and breaking
fear of your heart exploding
with love and acceptance
that feels too good to be true

This song reminds me of the person who introduced me to the song.

It helps me see the beauty that lies in sadness. A different kind of liveliness...

Happiness, as much as I love it, seems shallow in experience.

(I am most definitely weighing the value of happiness against sadness)

Grrr! I have had no motivation whatsoever to go the gymmm. Like it does not matter.

Grrrrr!!!

This needs to be made easier.

My room smells like heaveeeennn.

Wow, I most definitely need to do something about this anxiety.

I don't know what's wrong with me!

Woke up with certain thoughts and this can easily zap my energy for the day - all because of worry and fear for what mayyy happen.

(I don't like too many posts here about what's wrong with my life but I can't expect to talk to someone at this hour and knowing that friends read this makes it feel appropriate to share it here. Also writing it out makes me conscious of it and it's easier to put up defence against the it.)

Plan for the morning:
1) nice, long hot shower
2) good breakie

I've been way too anxious lately.

Littlest things are making me worry way more than necessary.

Just spoke with abbu about some of the stuff and he can't understand why I am so worried. He kind of whisked me away but it's good to realize I am likely worrying way too much about stuff that does not matter much. 

Gah. Still feeling anxious at the pit of my stomach.

Feels like a lot of pent up frustration. I am going to need a good crying session to feel better :p. That seems to be the only "healthy" release. No amount of caffeine, ice cream or carbs will do. Couldn't gather enough energy to hit the gym either.

Coincidentally enough, most upvoted answers for this Quora question are in regards to romantic relationships:

What is the wisest decision you have ever made in your life and what was its outcome?

I am trying to sell it to myself, aren't I!

I may be a bit of a commitment phobe. Not that I don't want to commit, but that I am actually afraid.

Not afraid of 'what if a better person comes along' or 'one person for the rest of my life', I think it's more of fear of real, true emotional intimacy. The navigation through emotions, expectations and the hope to arrive at some sort of agreements.

I get what I heard growing up; these relationships are as delicate as threads as strong as chains.

It is the fear of investing all of you, only to find nothing at the end.

I don't know why I am being such a child about it though.

There's also so much life in putting yourself out there, to think before you speak, to express the truth, to watch the reaction, to keep it from falling, to give in, to keep yourself from giving in, to weep through affection and cry through the pain, to feel that deep connection...

There are certain kinds of thinking that I really like. There is a certain context to opinions that I enjoy.

I get passions too.

But somewhere on that road from opinions to passions to persuasion, there develops a bitter taste. The underlying intentions upholding "persuasion" just never agree with me, no matter how amazing the cause.

There may be a discussion of opinions and passions. There may be a need to have someone understand one's opinions and passions. But the desire to convert or offer to "band together" to fight against "common evil" leaves me rolling my eyes - quite literally.

Persuasion often requires simplification of facts to a binary. It requires charismatic personalities. It also most definitely can do with real facts, but really, can you really persuade? Are there absolutely no loopholes in your arguments?



I should mention that I am talking about political and religious/philosophical persuasion here. Little bit of persuasion happens in daily life all the time. 

I have recently grown fond of book introductions, prologue and first chapters.

They always set the tone for a book and provide context. I find those contexts to be a lot more interesting and "wise-seeming". I can then use that discussion of context/lens (which isn't always treated as "one of many perspectives") and apply it to other areas. 

Qaaf

Alrighty, correct pronunciation of Qaaf vs. Khe is definitely an aphrodisiac

Don't mean to toot my own horn, but man, (sometimes) I can make deeeeeelicious food
*toots horn*

Last night following was produced within an hour and a half:

Egg-spinach quiche - with sun dried tomatoes
Mexican all-protein casserole
Stir-fried veggies with sesame seeds and nuts
Guacamole
Quinoa

Egg salad with yogurt was to be made - to be served with guacamole, but there was more than enough food already.

It's all so yummy that I ran home today to eat it.

More crap I hear from people, harder I get around the edges, more forceful I get about my boundaries.

Losing patience for crap from people who know better but refuse to take responsibility.

I may end up becoming a bitter bitch if this continues.

Je want a totally fit body. Strong. Allison Stokke is the inspiration.

*munches on chips*

I have been having some unexpectedly nice conversations with nana abbu lately.

Unexpected because for the last little while, he hasn't been cognitively fully aware. He hasn't fully been there. We had all stopped expecting him to remember little details. He had his episodes of clarity, usually around 2am after a nap.

For the last little while he has actually been there. I am able to connect back to conversations we had few days ago and he remembers details. I know last I spoke with my uncle about it, he mentioned it may have something to do with the medications he is taking. His medications must have changed because he is very aware and present now.

He remembers that I am a vegetarian (ok, what are the odds when you have 23 grandkids and when you are the third kid of his third kid!), and he also remembers that I have "different" religious views. Today, after hearing me talk about life/work/rishtas, he told me to stop limiting myself to "Pakistani/Indian" folks.

Yup, yup! And he is fully aware of the situations and what he's saying.

Last we talked about it, he was quite surprised at the kinds of things people have been saying. His response was something along the lines of: Of all my children I have married off and all the grandkids, I have never encountered anyone talking about these things (religiousness). So, he too, after 88 years of life, is amazed at the kinds of things people are talking about.


There are many aspects of the desi culture I like. I wanted to share that with someone. But I would rather be with a sensible person than have this one specific culture to share. It's really nice to know my own parents and grandparents are open to that. Now would I go that route? Lets see.

Vaat a day!

Cried after realizing the extent of my passion; what I have decided to be my life's purpose. 

I am not even PMSing. Reminds me of a pastime from a previous lifetime:

How to Discover Your Life Purpose in About 20 Minutes:

"Here’s what to do:

1. Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).
2. Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”
3. Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.
4. Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose."

Then came home to realize the person who called today at work about his friend having been attacked by a bear is actually in the news - not the person, the incident. Ended up seeing more news/images of attacks on people by wildlife and I am emotionally done for the day.

Niece's pictures, and her "puppo" literally release oxytocin in me. This is purely biological love. I am sure being a parent means having your heart explode with love. 

My schedule has made it impossible for me to hear niece's voice over the phone. By the time I am done, she is already in bed. And I have already started thinking of finding ways around it. I rarely talk to my own siblings as much as I want to talk to this one. Have never known love like this. 

Wish come true!

Yayy! There's an event being held in Pickering in my nana's (grandfather's) honour end of this month.

There, I have an event in Urdu that would be stimulating to some degree. There should be some poetry, some prose, many praises of nana abbu's work and some of his own poetry - most of which I quite enjoy.

-------
Knowing nana abbu since ammani's passing away, the event will turn emotional. He will end up talking about either his mom or ammani. Probably his mom. And everyone would be able to see the grief he carries for having lost his mom at 3 and his lifelong companion at 76.

Ok, I am going to be one of those people who complain that there are no good people there that you might want a life-long relationship with.

No, they aren't necessarily bad people. Just the kind I can't get along with for an extended period of time.

And I am too tired (right now) to think about expanding my ability to get along forever with A type personalities and super dutiful folks who find it difficult to question expectations.

I am also too tired to think about all the expectations I live up to and rarely question.

I has no right to be judging folks. I be no perfect at all in any way.

Yet there are people and mindsets I can't get along with. Probably because I am narrow minded in how I perceive them.

Je ne sais pas.

Was listening to You have been loved by George Michael and the following stuck out at me:

It's a cruel world
You've so much to prove
And heaven help the ones who wait for you

The song itself is about a mother who has lost her child, which then questions her faith in God. It's a painful yet beautiful song.

But that verse made me wonder about how we make life difficult in the littlest of ways. Regular stress in relationships, at work, financial stresses etc. All the kinds that don't at all threaten relationships/status, but exist as stress. We have more of this in life than major life changing stress.

It made me wonder if I am a moron for directing efforts elsewhere. If I am doing anything worthwhile at all to make life a teensy bit easier to live for people around me... Made me wonder how much a part of stress I am in other peoples lives...

I need a proper Urdu literary event to happen soon.

I am craving a mind stimulating experience in Urdu. It feels like home on a very cerebral level

YouTube can't sustain me at this point. I end up gravitating towards non-stimulating, harmonious ghazals.

My fallback for tonight: story of a man from secularism to islam, in English - the bits that I have read, this dude was very much into philosophy pre-islam (in his life). So I am curious about the path his mind took. He delves into some philosophy and his experience with studying philosophy.

One of those nights when the desire to make delicious healthy food takes over need to sleep and everything else.

At 11:00pm, I wanted to make oatmeal, almond butter, honey cookies with chocolate chips. They made perfect high-protein, low carb breakfast and snack cookies.

At midnight, it was the desire to make lentil soup/daal with a tinge of orange and cinnamon. Yup! The soup has layers of flavours; starting with the regular daal flavour. You then taste the creaminess of a secret ingredient + garlic and then comes the light tangy taste of orange. Cinnamon gives it the kick. No oil used.

Now, it is the desire for thinly cut roasted vegetables with dill + salt and roasted zucchini chips... but sleep ought to win.

I be getting oldddd. Sigh. I almost feel like I have lived one life already.


While I care, I also don't care.

Life is on its course the way it's supposed to be. I just hope I am acquiring some real life wisdom as I go through year after year.

Trying to make every day worth living.

Every time I am sure of something, I am unsure as to if I can be so sure.

Really excited about this new job. Every week is better than the previous week.

Just wanted to document that. 

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.” 

       ―Isaac Asimov

I need to pay visit to my "windows". Recently realized that some (one) of my assumptions went from recognition in the social world to adoption in my personal life, when I do not believe in them. It's time for some serious journalling.

SUCH an amazing day. What did it not have!!!

Intellectually stimulated, emotionally stimulated, emotionally connected, professionally connected, made new friends, reconnected with old friends. hurt a tad bit.

I went to the Mind Matters Conference today and even though I only knew a few people today, I just really felt at home. Especially the fact that I invited non-psych/non-buddhism background friends, it really helped me merge and understand these two aspects of my life.

Mind Matters people are a slightly different brand. They most definitely are a tad bit odd, in a way I love. They are all extremely intellectually curious, and value authentic living really highly. It's like truth, authenticity and compassion all come together. It makes for a warm, intellectually challenging environment - no matter what the topic of the conference is.

You know you have some really amazing friends when:

A friend can tell you all the things that are wrong with you. (and be wrong about some of them. thank god!)

A friend can do a personality test on your behalf and get the result you had gotten. MAJOR!

Both those things, two days in a row.

I has amazing friends. <3>

What does studying enlightenment teach me?

Pay attention/learn well so that you can trust your gut/instincts/information processing schemas.

I just want my blog to express this feeling:

La vie en rose - Edith Piaf

Lol, so I realized that I have never wondered if I believe in the achievability of enlightenment.

I would say I have no real evidence either way. Only arguments.

But there is also no way to prove it either way if there is no way to define/operationalize it.

Luckily, psychology, cognitive science, neuroscience, artificial intelligence and philosophy are working together to try to understand 'consciousness'. At least we have some work being done on it using scientific principles.

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I want to keep my head buried in big issues that make you look at every perspective and evaluate them to try to understand that big huge problem - one you will never find a final solution to, but keeps you excited. And at the same time, some smaller applicable issues that can be understood with relatively little effort - applicability of which would be an issue. I also want to be involved with the process of efficiently applying new insights and bringing about changes.

How is anyone supposed to do all of that with the living of life? :(

So, bored last night, I flipped through TPL's online book collection and stumbled upon a readily available book, that also didn't seem to require a lot of brain. Perfect for the evening.

The book is titled I Only Want To Get Married Once.

I don't know how many pages the book is, I am too lazy to count because each chapter starts with page 1 and there are 11 chapters. I read through it in about 2 and a half hours. Downright commonsense. Recommending it to all my single friends and people I date.

Was I glad, or was I glad for having stumbled upon that book! Every single difficult emotion I have felt (ok, many of them) that made me scare away from rishtas and people was described in the book as a real issue. It was either that I didn't think I could trust the person to be actually kind and straightened out, or we had very different life philosophies.

Every single time the well-meaning people in my life questioned my "feeling" to try to understand it and to try to see if it was actually important, most times, they concluded it wasn't a big deal and encouraged me to continue.

Like when I knew 100% that I could not be myself with someone, that I would have to cut out the most favourite aspects of myself to make life work... well-meaning people kept saying my expectations are too high and that everything appears to be perfect with the person in question (and the person was perfectly fine. just really, really, really not for me).

It is the fucking "compromise" ideal. It puts no limits on how much is too much to compromise. No wait, yeah, the limit exists only when abuse and cheating come in the picture. Often times even those are encouraged to be ignored. You are married to the person even before marrying them. You have to make it work even before saying yes. wtf?

Imagine my relief when I realized how many correct decisions I have actually made by saying no! That too when super important people thought I was wrong? PHEW!!!

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With all the 21 year olds getting married, I can feel the gaze right upon me. But honestly, I am not marrying anyone until it feels right. (i just really hope it happens in time for at least one baby to me made, and young enough to actually care for it.)

Failures do make for better stories...

While working on something important, I had that feeling - for which I have no name.

It went something like 'No matter how difficult this is, I am glad I get to work on it. I will willingly take on the difficulties that come with it and keep going.' It was a feeling of quiet excitement, followed by commitment.

This 'something important' has made me feel little as a person, I have thought about all the reasons why I should quit. Earlier today someone commented on how it has turned my ego into the size of a pea. Yeah. It has also made me feel more alive than I can imagine.

Of course, with all big and important feelings comes a piece of poetry or song lyrics :p, this is what followed this feeling:

(granted the poetry in this movie is a little cheesy)

Niece will be turning 2 next month :). I have tried to teach her to call me phuppo (aunt - dad's sister). She calls me bo-bo :D

And when her name is called, she responds with a very enthusiastic:

"Jiiiiiii"

Goals 2014

January 16th today and I haven't come up with a list of goals for this year. I am having a difficult time coming up with a list.

All the work I have to do is already a part of my life and is too common sensical to be put down on a list of goals.

If I have one motivation this year, it is to have some serious fun. For the first time, I am putting all the serious, practical concerns behind to prioritize some real experiences and fun. Not sure what changed. The idea that work actually never ends has made its mark. All the work that has to be done, will have to be to done. Fun and life experiences have to be prioritized. Not waiting for the future, not waiting to have achieved some of those things to live life.

Will spend time and money on living life, instead of conserving (most of it) for the serious aspects of life.

I am going to die!! That's the other idea that has coloured my thinking a deeper shade of reality. This life is all I've got and if I don't live it... If I don't live it... I have nothing to even compare that idea with!