There is value in staying in touch with ones initial, unadulterated, "childish" feelings. The ones you had when you started off on any project. It makes you appear inexperienced and immature. But that is also what leaves you "pure" (in intent) and connected.

With any work we take on, with experience, we learn so much more that disconnects us from the original goals and the feelings that initiated the projects.

I am seeing a lot of cynicism in certain areas of my life, and really, it is the conflict of egos. Everyone really does, in this case I do trust, wants to do the right thing. But need for adequate recognition and perception of lack of control get in the way of the initial motivations that brought them together.

It is very common for people in any sort of service industries to grow cynical. There is a limit to how much one can give, even if they choose to give. Even if they are being paid to give. Giving can get emotionally taxing, and no amount of monetary value can really reset a person back to newness. Nothing but desire on the part of the individual and real, true appreciation can potentially bring it back. The primary motivation for anyone in service industry is to give, and so it has to be nourished.
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Aside: Anyone in the business of giving probably learns that resetting ones self over and over is the way to survive, while gaining wisdom from those experiences. 

I am speechless.

Mind of a sad me

Sadness is taking over me. The kind that makes you want to listen to sad music. I am actually drowning myself in sad music before I get me a warm, comforting, chocolaty, caffeinated latte and head to the gym.

I realized I haven't felt this way in a long time. I've felt anxious, and other things, but not this kind of sad. I'm glad to be in this phase of my life.

Its the sadness of losing/not getting what you want.

Meh. I will be okay.

I must finally be growing up if my feelings are losing their intensity :p, and being able self care rather well.

I also have so much more compassion for the times I was in heart wrenching pain. Losing your sense of identity and belongingness is tough. That was definitely quite bad. And I dealt with it well.

This is more of a journal entry than blog. But who cares, its my blog.

I love my life with all the ways it makes me sad and makes me feel alive. I actually hugged myself this morning with louvveeee.

On an apparently unrelated note, I think I understand how EMDR works. I am not quite dealing with what made me sad here, I'm getting past it. When this comes up next, I will be sad again.

Grrr! Sleep eludes me again.

We are afraid, so afraid, to really, truly connect.
To bare our chests open and share all the joy we sometimes allow ourselves to feel
What we are truly proud of
What we live for
And what we would die for.
What makes us want to hide away in the dark of our closets like little children
And makes us cry ourselves to sleep on those sleepless night
We have all had those experiences, I do truly believe
We are just afraid to feel, to be and to share
Is there anything scarier to little by little open our hearts and be truly seen?
To fear rejection at every step
To really, truly connect.

The Summer Day

By: Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

Yaar ko hum ne ja ba ja dekha

Beauty, is this.

This is old stuff to be thinking about. But I like the little amount of excitement and groundedness this brings to me.

(This also makes me feel dumb/childish, because they aren't the most original or special ideas in the world.)

Two things I care to live my life by, get excited about (and loath) are reality/honesty and compassion.

Hrithik Roshan's dance moves are such a treat to watch

And Abhay Deol's regular guy, slightly awkward moves are endearing

I am looking to find arguments pro anarchism.

The political compass's reading list shall be helpful: http://www.politicalcompass.org/reading

Quote on Libertarian Left reading page:

"Under capitalism, man exploits man.
Under communism, it's just the opposite."

-J.K.Galbraith

A tad excited about starting the day early tomorrow. And in this excitement, I can't fall asleep tonight.