My anxiety is high and I don't know why.

I am generally not liking life. I am frequently and very easily finding myself thinking about how difficult life feels. I had 4 of 5 days off last week, and I thought that would help me calm down, but it didn't. I had quite an anxious experience one of the days. I actually felt like I was going to lose control. 

I can't wait to just do nothing, and have nothing asked of me. I want to produce nothing. 

Maybe I have been doing way too much over the last year. Maybe I am exhausted. It's more than compassion fatigue. I know I don't want to go back and listen to people. I.just.dont. I dont want to hear a word of problems and troubles, anxiety, depression, trauma.

But I have committed to my clients and I just have three weeks to wrap it up with them.

I have never experienced it this way. It's not just compassion fatigue, because I am tired of using my brain. I am easily anxious and feel like my brain is forever running. I don't even have the energy to think about how to re-orient my thoughts and feelings. 

I am being stupid. I am watching Shahrukh Khan's Dilwale.

SRK's excitement after their first date made me realize I would never have that again.

And then I remembered our first date. No one has made me feel the way W did on that first date. To be fair, we had been talking for a while before that first date, so there was enough of a comfort level.

He seemed smart, ambitious, keenly observant, and someone who had a good grasp on life. I could tell he was trying to impress me :p, and I admit I was pretty impressed.

I felt like as long as I was with him that day, I was safe... in a weird sort of a way. Like there was bubble wrap around us. I was pretty unaware of the rest of the world. It was just us. Even though we were in an area I have spent enough time in, it still seemed new. It almost felt like my feet weren't on the ground. I didn't want the evening to end.

No one had asked me the kinds of questions he was asking. There was insight in those questions, like he knew a thing or two about life, and living. I had to take quite some time to calm myself down that night. It was weird. I felt undone, but also really attracted. Like he had started to peel my layers off in a very delicious sort of a way.

No wonder I felt so attracted. The questions were deep. Like he actually cared.

Life is weird. And marriage makes it weirder.

Both W and I are melancholic sort of people - or at least we have enjoyed those moods.

Since getting married, even if I try, I cant get there. Even if I want to be in one of those moods, I cant.


I guess we're happy or something :p.


The downside is, I find it hard to be creative without those moods.