Scared/child mode:

Give me perfection in every sense because I can't/don't want to deal with heartache.

Dear Bed,

I love you.

I can't believe I spent those countless nights watching ridiculous tv shows, instead of keeping safe in your warm embrace.

I promise, there will not be any (as many) tv shows that I watch, when I should be spending time with you.

All I want right now is to be lost in the soft caress of your high thread count cotton sheets, like a breezy, starry summer night.

But I must stay away for now.

I will soon return.

Much Love,

One and the only one you are made for

Neend aaye na, gotta wake up at 5am.

bastay hain meray dil main kayee armaan

k neend ab aa bhi jaaye na

A friend is telling me the story of his broken engagement and wedding that was called off. They had been together for 7 years.

I would be completely incapable if that were to happen to me. Seven years is long, and if you have decided to marry someone, you are already completely into it (on one level).

Can I mend all broken hearts somehow? :(

I read the following shair closely for the first time, after hearing it a monstrous number of times growing up.

Khudi ko ker buland itna k har taqdeer se pehlay
Khuda banday se khud poochay, bata teri raza kya hai

Raise yourself so high that before deciding your fate
God asks you, what it is you desire

Khirad k pass khabar k siva kuch aur nahin
Tera elaaj nazar k siva kuch aur nahin

Intellect has nothing but facts
Your cure is nothing but reflection

I am clearly obsessed with iqbal.

**On second thought,  I am not sure what exactly he meant by "nazar" in the second line.

Iqbal

Lol.

Nawa-e-subahgahi ne jigar khoon kar diya mera
Khudaya jis khata ki yeh saza hai, woh khata kya hai?
-Iqbal

Morning call for prayers tortured my heart
God, what sin is this atonement for?

Iqbal

To be remembered re: passions

Iqbal:

Sitaron se aagay jahan aur bhi hain
Abhi ishq k imtehaan aur bhi hain

Non-relevant:
From the same poem

Agr kho gaya aik nasheman tou kya ghum
Muqamaat-e-aah-o-fughaan aur bhi hain

If one home is lost, why grieve
There are still other places for sighing and grieving
^i heart

Ok, more:

Isi roz-o-shab main ulajh kar na reh jayen
K teray zamaan o makaan aur bhi hain

Let's not get tangled up in the everyday
There are other times and places (for you) as well

Gaye din k tanha tha main anjuman main
Yahaan ab meray raaz-daan aur bhi hain

Gone are the days when I was alone among gathering
Here, now, I have secret keepers
:)

ripples

All it is, is a memory

pushed against the strongest of my heart

It aches, every time the weight of the memory

runs through my veins

Pressing it against the strongest of my heart

It aches, for just that moment

And leaves ripples of the ache behind.

If it weren't for the little lies,

just a tiny bit of deception

And the desire to get away unscathed,

this wouldn't exist.

If it weren't for the fear,

the uncertainty, 

our beautiful birth

and eventual death,

this wouldn't exist.

Now, it is, and will be

For the days ahead

Until the strongest of my heart has bruised itself

a little, 

under the weight of the memory

And healed.

I just found out an acquaintance is gay.

So she asked if I have ever "liked" a girl. I told her I dont and have never.

To which she said: "I always thought straight people were lying... but now I am learning that people are genuinely straight"

O, sweeet irony.

Have I found a new passion? Because I am giddy with excitement. *dances*

Hope I am not jumping to conclusions too soon. Hope I continue to enjoy this. *dances*

I lunged my laptop's charger at my forehead, and hit me rather hard. For a moment, I felt like I was going to faint. Then I remembered the children of the Peshawar incident. The pain of a bullet piercing through your skin, a number of times vs. the end of my laptop charger lunged at my head.

I need to become more tolerant to physical pain.

Do you have to be a tad anxious to be a good parent?

Does being a relaxed parent make you a bad parent?

Neend aatee nahin saaree saree raat
koi sonay de mujhay saree subh o shaam

Aik tu jo nahin, aaj meray paas
mujh ko bezaar karay saree kainaat

teray aur meray raastay hon kabhi na juda
(na juda)

kya janay koi jaaga hai kaise, meree jaan
ye zindagi tou ho rahee hai bekaar

tere bin hai jaan aisay badan main
jaise paaye ka salan ho ragon main

main tu yehee chahoon, dooriyan na rahain dooriyan
(dooriyan)

woh neend se bhaagi aankhon main ghoomay din raat
tu sara waqt rehta tha meray sath

blanketon main jo saaye jawan thay
dhoop main bhi woh bichhartay kahan thay

Neend aatee nahin - Junoon

It must mean something when walking in to work makes you feel excited.

Had the weirdest dream.

I am at work. Spoke with someone who seemed imminently suicidal. I call back their phones, but one is disconnected and the voice mail on the other says something like the person doesn't need anyone anymore/they have no attachments to people or something.

My alarm bells go off in the dream and for God knows what reason I decide to drive over to the person's house, in Niagara Falls. Instead of having someone call the police to check up on them/follow other procedures.

On my way back, after spending an entire day with the person, I realize I wasn't supposed to do that.

Then I wake up.

Existential angst (fear of dying unaccomplished) attacks at 2am on the Wednesday (Thursday) of the vacation week.

Good going, brain!

This, after making my first real painting that turned out unexpectedly nice.