First day of my therapist job, and I'm up trying to figure out my next steps re: private practice and all. Getting wayyyyyy ahead of myself.

Woh shaam kuch ajeeb thee, ye shaam bhi ajeeb hai

Woh shaam kuch ajeeb thee
Ye shaam bhi ajeeb hai

I can't quite put my feelings in words. The rawness of unexpressed feelings is so far from my reality, that I can't enjoy this beautiful piece of work to the same degree. I am not complaining, and wouldn't want it any other way.

Who would have thought being happily married would affect the kind of music I enjoy. It is weird when you don't feel like the self you are used to. I still enjoy good poetry, good composition, and a good voice. I just don't enjoy melancholy as much - which is weeeeeird to me! 

What the hell is going on with me!

I want absolutely nothing to do with mental health right now.

I'm uninterested in everything, and I know that's a problem. I am bored. I also don't care to be emotionally engaged in anything.

What the fuck is going on.

This sounds like depression but doesn't really feel like depression. I have the physical energy to do stuff, I just don't have any desire. I was absolutely fine yesterday. 

Such a day of just feeling shitty about myself.

Being judgemental about everything. Having a hard time feeling good about myself. Sigh. Judging my decisions. Where did it begin? Fear of being judged by others. So basically I am judging myself before other people can judge me.

I am also hiding - which is the definition of shame.

What the hell am I doing to myself!

Time

My perception of time is changing.

I have understood time as linear. Time always followed the lead of my biological time. My life has been a scaffold for time. Of course I understand time before me, and after me, but have had a different relationship with my time.

I realized this when a friend texted me that she dreamt that I was pregnant. I responded with "hope not until XYZ". All of a sudden, "time" was back on the table. Thoughts about my biological age and its linear relationship with the passing of time became prominent.

I realized how the relationship between time and its defining factor - my life - has been dissolving. Time is not about my linear (seeming) life. Life is not about the annual stacking of experiences and achievements until the end of my life.

Age is a linear concept. And my life is not dependent on that concept any longer.

Linear time, instead, seems to be taking the shape of phases. They are getting stacked on top and beside each other, to make space for all the other phases in the short span of my occurrent life.

This perception is strangely freeing.