Mysterious and dark aspects of life

What's up with our attraction to dark and dangerous seeming things? I have been speaking with a lot of people and noticing how we are all attracted to mystery. Now, that's not news. But most of this mystery has it's own dark side. Why are we so attracted to it? We know it's likely dark, and not good. But we just cant resist it (by "we", I mean me and my friends who are all in their 20s).

Maybe its a part of growing up? But this is the stuff that you don't necessarily need to know to live a good life... maybe.

Why are we attracted to dark/mysterious aspects of life? And so, people who represent those aspects of life? 

Gratitude

Over the last year and a half, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that other people have more difficult lives than mine. My problems seem big in what they are, but they're still not as bad as what a lot of other people go through. I am not even comparing my stuff to the starving kids in Africa.

Successful and healthy people get hit by biological disasters that literally wipe them off psychologically. People dealing with -not even life threatening- cancer, the emotional toll that it takes on your body, the toll it takes on your family, financial costs, the way your body changes permanently, is all rather minor stuff in the grand scheme of things. But even that is much bigger than anything I have ever experienced.

People live with painful memories of monstrous acts. They deal with actual repetitive physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse - where their entire lives' savings disappear into thin air. I have heard their stories. Most of them are regular people. A teacher getting date raped. A brilliant pre-med student brought to suicide by life's circumstances. A hard working, successful 50-something entrepreneurial woman brought to demise because of an abusive romantic relationship.

Often listening to the stories of these people and seeing them deal with life's difficulties gets me panicked. These people are not very different from me, and people I care about. I can clearly see how life can go so very wrong... many a times, through little fault of your own.

Realizing just how easy it is for life to go awry makes me want to do whatever I can to be their support, to help them find their way out of these cruel life situations. My heart aches when I think about it, so much that I want to hide from it all. I do want to not believe that life can get this difficult.

As much as it scares me, it also makes me feel extremely grateful for the problems that I do have. I would rather have my own worries than what a lot of other people go through. I would rather have my worries than not, because they tell me the direction my life is taking... and more often than not, my problems exist because I want a better life. I can not be grateful enough for my life and my problems. I am lucky that I have the problems I do.

I, of course, also realize that there are people who have easier lives than mine. And I also agonize over not having been aware enough, not having acted quickly enough, not having acted differently etc... But when the dust settles a little, I also try to learn from my mistakes.

Connection

There are certain times in ones life when immense feelings of connectedness take over. I have had a couple such experiences lately.

I had a couple of different but very important areas of my life merge together, all in a span of a couple hours.
I had a glimpse of a deeply spiritual bond with someone I care about. It was so strong that I couldn't hold my tears for next little while.
I had a sense of connectedness with the entirety of everything, in that, none of my limitations (or anyone else's) were hindrances. Everything was connected and nothing else mattered.

I hope to cross paths with such moments again. Over and over again.

Marriage is a Partnership between two people who're attracted to each other and can function together to meet the needs of the partnership, while being personally fulfilled

One of the questions I have been trying to answer lately is, how should one look at and understand monogamist marriage.

A quick overview as to why the question has been on my mind: Basically, I have had plenty of discussions with people about polyamory, which point out various reasons why monogamist marriages cannot or do not work. They have cited ever increasing divorce rates, biological studies that human relationships only naturally last for 4 years - enough time to raise an infant to toddler, real-time feeling of connection being taken over by a sense of responsibility, and opportunities for individual growth being stunted.

A while ago, I wrote about how the two models of polyamory and monogamy rely in slightly different set of values. Or, a better way to put it would be to say that the reason one might opt for polyamory over monogamy or vice versa is a difference in prioritizing between two values. 

Marriage is very much about the bond itself, whereas polyamorous relationships value individual fulfillment and happiness the most highly. I say that without imposing any judgments over either lifestyle. There is nothing inherently wrong with pursuing personal happiness and fulfillment. Neither is there anything wrong with pursuing the health of a relationship above all else. I should also point out that the values do not exclusively belong to the respective groups. Both lifestyles require both values for a happy and fulfilled life. It is about prioritizing one over the other.

So, up until now, I thought, well, marriage is about valuing the bond just a tad bit higher than personal happiness, fulfillment and opportunities for growth. But then, I was stumped by the impossibility of that statement. It didn't make sense why anyone would want to sacrifice personal fulfillment and happiness for anything and still be called psychologically healthy (according to Western definitions, at least).

Of course, to be married, individuals have to be subdued to the structure and rules of a marriage. Now the question was, how can two people be happily married, living within the bounds of marriage without sacrificing their integrity?

The answer is, the question we should be asking is, "Can you be who you are, and can I be who I am, can we be individually fulfilled in who each one of us is, while meeting each others needs and living within the bounds of marriage?"

This translates into the following, I think:

- Can I be who I am, with my strengths and weaknesses and continue to be that person?

- Is your view and expectations of me flexible enough to let me grow and change as time requires? (That is not to say any one of the partners changing would somehow be easy.)

- Can you be who you are, with your strengths and weaknesses and continue to be that person?

- Is my view and expectations of you flexible enough to let you grow and change as time requires? 

And then,

- What makes a marriage? 

- Do our very basic values match so that each of us gets what we want while working towards meeting the needs of the partnership?

Happy Monday!

So, I am happy. Haha. I have been happier for no reason, whatsoever, and I am loving it.

I didn't wake up particularly happy this morning. But I remembered the 'now' promise and actually became aware of the present. This is so marvelous that I can bring my attention to the bed that I am sitting on, the sunlight peering through the window and feel attentive and fully awake within moments.

I had a few moments of awe today, just by noticing my happiness. There's nothing really special that happened today. Nothing at all. My day wasn't even as productive as it could have been. I actually have something to be disappointed about, but I am not. Except an ad on the subway told me that I have a great body. Now, how can that not make me happy!

:)

I guess I should be grateful that I know what things excite me in life. Today was a good day in a way because I was reminded of things I am passionate about. Just remembering that had me full of excitement and gratitude :).

There were times though, during the day, when I couldn't get out of my head. I tried all things I could think of. I tried paying attention to my breath, I tried to bring my attention to physical objects near me, I even tried eating a delicious sub just to direct my attention to the flavour. None of it worked. Then, I gave up. My mind was elsewhere and I just couldn't concentrate on the task on hand.

The happiness, however, was back shortly after. I find myself more willing to take on new things when I am actually feeling happier, which is exactly what happened.

I am really excited to see this 'now-living' unfold. :D

Experientially meaningful

I can say that the past weekend was experientially quite meaningful. I have actively been trying to stay in the present. I am not sure exactly what it is that has me feeling so good. It wasn't a productive weekend at all. The 'now' realization has been forcing me to stay in the present and make it a happier present.

I am tempted to analyze what's going on, but I'll refrain from doing that, for now. I am just happy that I am happy. Looking forward to more real life, in the moment experiences! :)

Living in the Now

It's quite coincidental that my realization that I live in my head came with a very deep understanding of the dangers of not living in the now.

I was, as usual, lost in my thoughts about something a few nights ago. I started thinking about someone who I think is in a bit of despair. I realized how unstructured thinking can lead to mental health issues. It hit me then that the solution IS to live in the present.

It was a pretty deep realization. I couldn't shake it off. I made a pledge with myself, right there and then, to try to stay in the moment as much as I can.

I have been aware of this idea for a really long time. But I think this is what helped it sink in:

Contrary to what generally assumed, the physical world does not exist "in time". At the basic microscopic level, the world is better described in terms of a a-temporal theory, where physical laws do not express time evolution of physical variables, but just relations between variables. Time emerges only thermodynamically when describing macroscopic variables. Therefore time is only a side effect of our ignorance of the microscopic state of the world. "Time is a side effect of ignorance."

-Carlo Rovelli, Theoretical Physicist; University of the Mediterraneum.

I needed a very firm, physical world explanation of this idea. The spiritual idea that has been around me for a really long time, was just not making any sense.

I am really excited about this new perception :).

Living in my head

I've been having this nice brand of realizations/experiences lately. It started off a few months ago with realizations that I have fairy-tale thinking. By that, I mean, my thinking was such, or my assumptions about my life were such that everything would turn out alright. I am not sure if it's a "correct" belief about the nature of things and human beings (we always get over the crap life throws our way - and get over the good stuff too), or a belief rooted in lack of desire to make a change. I fear that it might be latter, and thus, what seems like fairy-tale thinking.

Anyway, so that happened a few times in last few months. Then, a few weeks ago, I realized that I spend a lot of my time IN MY HEAD. Everyone has always told me that I think a lot. I, recently, actually understood it. Haha. I realized how much I live in my head. I am almost always thinking about one thing or the other. I always considered that to be my "thing".

Now, I have moved on to feeling like I have been living in a bubble and I am finally starting to see what's on the outside. It's not at all a negative feeling, or even positive. Actually, there's no emotion associated with it. It's just this feeling that I've been in a bubble and now I can see what's outside of it.

It's all quite interesting. I am a little tempted to regret how I haven't been in touch with reality. I've been a very systems thinker. Now that my big systemic questions are answered to my satisfaction, maybe it's time for me to move into the now.

So moving into the now is going to be my thing :). I am actually excited about this.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is right around the corner and I have something to say that is completely irrelevant.

A few weeks ago I found myself thinking about how our society perceives romantic love. It seems like all the meaning in our lives comes down to, and from, romantic love. My speculation is that, it is a place-holder for a more universal feeling of connectedness, and possibly, also an attempt at fighting our existential alone-ness (not loneliness).

Regardless of the reason, one thing is pretty certain. Love makes people happy. I know happy, in-love music makes me happy.

Then I started wondering, what if I could feel like I am in love without necessarily being in love.

So, I thought about the things make me feel really happy. I came up with this list:

1. Going to bed completely relaxed at night. Lately, that has been rare for me. The other night, I happened to go to bed completely relaxed and absolutely loved the feeling.
2. The calm after a good workout.
3. Filling in the gaps of my understanding about various concepts. Learning new things. Finding mistakes in my thinking and fixing them - It's exhilarating!
4. Connecting with strangers.
5. Thinking about this one specific little person - the love I feel for them (I wrote this before my niece was born. Now I can just say thinking of her makes me happy :))
6. Listening to real musical talent.
7. Poetry, o poetry. The way some poets bring ideas together, it makes me melt.
8. Having moments of real connection with people in my life, when I can see them and feel them for who they are and when I can entirely be myself.
9. Being able to make a difference for someone; helping them feel better, even if it's temporary peace for them :).
10. The experience of free fall! O DEAR GOD! (Maybe there's some connection to "falling in love" there? The adrenaline rush maybe.)

Blog's rebirth!

I just remembered my abandoned blog a few weeks ago. So, I reno-ed it and I am excited to start writing again. Funny thing is, as of right now I have NOTHING to write about. I'll stay open to ideas.

In the meantime, I may post some stuff from another one of my old blogs. I found some really interesting stuff there too from a few years ago.