Marriage is a Partnership between two people who're attracted to each other and can function together to meet the needs of the partnership, while being personally fulfilled

One of the questions I have been trying to answer lately is, how should one look at and understand monogamist marriage.

A quick overview as to why the question has been on my mind: Basically, I have had plenty of discussions with people about polyamory, which point out various reasons why monogamist marriages cannot or do not work. They have cited ever increasing divorce rates, biological studies that human relationships only naturally last for 4 years - enough time to raise an infant to toddler, real-time feeling of connection being taken over by a sense of responsibility, and opportunities for individual growth being stunted.

A while ago, I wrote about how the two models of polyamory and monogamy rely in slightly different set of values. Or, a better way to put it would be to say that the reason one might opt for polyamory over monogamy or vice versa is a difference in prioritizing between two values. 

Marriage is very much about the bond itself, whereas polyamorous relationships value individual fulfillment and happiness the most highly. I say that without imposing any judgments over either lifestyle. There is nothing inherently wrong with pursuing personal happiness and fulfillment. Neither is there anything wrong with pursuing the health of a relationship above all else. I should also point out that the values do not exclusively belong to the respective groups. Both lifestyles require both values for a happy and fulfilled life. It is about prioritizing one over the other.

So, up until now, I thought, well, marriage is about valuing the bond just a tad bit higher than personal happiness, fulfillment and opportunities for growth. But then, I was stumped by the impossibility of that statement. It didn't make sense why anyone would want to sacrifice personal fulfillment and happiness for anything and still be called psychologically healthy (according to Western definitions, at least).

Of course, to be married, individuals have to be subdued to the structure and rules of a marriage. Now the question was, how can two people be happily married, living within the bounds of marriage without sacrificing their integrity?

The answer is, the question we should be asking is, "Can you be who you are, and can I be who I am, can we be individually fulfilled in who each one of us is, while meeting each others needs and living within the bounds of marriage?"

This translates into the following, I think:

- Can I be who I am, with my strengths and weaknesses and continue to be that person?

- Is your view and expectations of me flexible enough to let me grow and change as time requires? (That is not to say any one of the partners changing would somehow be easy.)

- Can you be who you are, with your strengths and weaknesses and continue to be that person?

- Is my view and expectations of you flexible enough to let you grow and change as time requires? 

And then,

- What makes a marriage? 

- Do our very basic values match so that each of us gets what we want while working towards meeting the needs of the partnership?