Wow, I completely forgot how amazing it is to be on the receiving end of real, true empathy where they get in your space and feel your feeling.

A friend once told me that as a child he thought his thoughts were readable by people around him and were not private.

I do wish some of my thoughts could be read by the right people.

 

Main kuch na kahoon aur ye chahoon k meri baat

Khushboo ki tarah urr k teray dil main utar jaye

It just occurred to me that when people find out I aspire to be a therapist, they start interacting with me expecting a therapist. They don't necessarily open up about their deepest fears and traumas right away, but whatever they say, they expect therapist-like replies and/or understanding.

I like to believe I interact with people with compassion. But sometimes there are relationships in which you want to make sure you do not have more power, even if it's due to compassion and understanding.

There's a power imbalance that comes through in therapist-client relationships. One of the newest turns in psychotherapy is to move away from calling people 'patients' in the favour of 'clients'. People who work with therapists are NOT patients. They are clients, accessing a service that the therapist is paid for. (And this statement would legitimately tick off all the hard working therapists whose work is minimized because they are "paid")

This change has been made to cancel out the power imbalance. The humanist perspectives consider people to be experts on their lives and therapists as tools to get through their minds to find their solutions.

So when people interact with me expecting me to have greater compassion and understanding than themselves, I find it disconcerting. I do not need or want power imbalances in my closest relationships. I want to feel just as safe with you as you might with me.

Though, now that I am thinking some more, the responsibility of being there for someone is also one I am more than happy to take on. I am honored when someone feels they can talk to me about difficult aspects of their life. At the same time, unfortunately, I need friends and more-than friends (ahem!) to be there for me as well.

I can't and won't do your part of the work in any relationship. Speak up. Say what you need to say. And you, at the very least, will be greeted with compassion and understanding.

I have all the same fears as you.

(...because now I am wondering if I just made up that people expect those things of me.)

Everyone has a story. Everyone is a tortured soul.

        Either that or I only attract tortured souls.


-------------
Peace be upon everyone.

The times you come across books that start with your already existing knowledge base and then expand it by introducing a super cool perspective? That. Just came across one such book again. 

I want that moment.
Shine a light,
and have it rise
to the forefront
of our existence.

I want that moment
to turn crisp
with its own intensity
like the sun crackling
fallen autumn leaves

I want that moment
to turn delicious
under its own experience,
like a cheesecake
made of dark, dark chocolate

I want that moment
to be fearless
to thrive
on its own sweetness
and melt us
with its crispness.

Had one of those unfocused, disengaged, unproductive days. This shair is making its rounds in my head:

koi meray dil se poochay teray teer-e-neem-kash ko
ye khalish kahan se hotee, jo jigar k paar hota

bah.

And this:

teri nazuki se jaana k bandha tha ehd-e-boda
kabhi tu na tor sakta agr ustawar hota

is my fear of being unfocused.

---------------
I get fully well what Ghalib was referring to instead.


One quick point about Cognitive Psychology, Encoding Memory and Retrieval of Memory:

We encode memory to our long term memory store by the meaning of the words and/or phrases. Retrieval means either the meaning itself or (in the case of partial retrieval) other memories associated with it have been accessed. In this case, the idea of 'not fully getting something' is how I seem to have encoded that shair, or at least, the shair activates other experiences of not having fully gotten things - an unengaged, unproductive day being one of them.

Short term memory on the other hand encodes memory based on the characteristics such as, rhyme-ability, visual of the word(s) etc. That is not to say rhyme and visuals do not help encode anything to the long term memory, but meaning trumps them all in quality. Short term memory has a much smaller capacity both in terms of size and how long it can be stored.

I am being so super emo. Goodness!

My heart actually ached today. Actually, literally ached because I didn't know how to tell my 9 year old cousin that I also email back and forth with her 13 year old sister. She always wants more attention than her siblings - but not a spoiled kid, just the regular middle child syndrome*. I knew she wouldn't like that she's not "special".

My brain decided that my heart area was supposed to actually ache over that! For her, I presume. And I couldn't send that email. Honestly, what the hell!!


----------------------
*Birth order has not been proven to have a significant affect on our personalities. Technically, it is proven to have a comparatively negligible affect on the development of personalities. 

Life seems easier. Things seem achievable.

I hope this feeling stays.

I am going to say this again.

I really, really am grateful for difficult experiences. Nothing humbles me more and makes me want to be a better person than a difficult experience.

Yes, I have yet to fully process the events of this month. Processing them is what teaches me about facets of life I know little about.

Lessons

1. Every single person on this Earth has had difficult life experiences.

My 21 year old brother consoles, "Believe me, I understand what you are going through."

He doesn't. Because he hasn't had the same experiences. But he understands what it means for life to be difficult. What "difficult" life experiences he could have had, you ask? Well, enough to make him empathetic.

2. People manipulate and cheat... and you will be on the receiving end

It will happen. If you're lucky, only a few times.

3. Because every person has had difficult experiences, everyone has even more responsibility to treat others with utmost respect.

Those who do not treat others with respect have little place in my life.

4. Waiting isn't always the best idea

Waited too long to speak your mind? The opportunity isn't yours anymore. Waiting too long to have that conversation? Hearts have been broken and unnecessary pain has been caused.

5. What people think of you matters

It matters what people think of you. That is not to say you go live life according to others. But it matters how much they like you and what they understand you to be. Reputation and good will smooth the process of being on the receiving end of opportunities.

6. People let a lot go before acting

People let a lot of things go. But it all adds up and can break the camel's back with that last one action/word. You will never know what will end up being the last straw.

Sometimes I think/read something and I feel like I am in love. This is one of those times.

I want to go through the entire research process. I am excited by it.

Cycle

Doing, engaging, achieving,
boredom, repetition, unhappiness,
growth, passion, newness,
repetition,
slowing down, stagnating.
starting over, struggling
passion, hard work,
doing, stumbling,
trying, tiring,
doing, growing,
doing, doing, doing,
boredom, repetition,
unhappiness.


---------------
(too tired to put the thought in sentences)

Sometimes I feel like I am living life for the first time.

The trajectory seems new and unexpected. 

To be immortal is to leave something behind. Something that people appreciate for years after you.

I want to leave something behind.

Remember to evaluate
where your heart stands.
it takes little time
and even less effort
to go wrong.

There is a chance
there will be a day
you and I will realize
what we are living for
is not what we should have been living for.

CBT

Reading up on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and it makes me excited.

It points out exactly what cognitive error we make that lead to depression, anxiety etc. I really like CBT for how it only precisely looks at ones cognitions. Thoughts are easy to consider. They are better than trying Freudian word-association to figure out personality complexes - though that process might work too for diagnosis. CBT hits issues on its head, expects the person to sit down with their thoughts and observe them and do their homework - there is actual homework in CBT. It is not the (relatively) easy kind of talk-therapy. Though, talk therapy is still very necessary, it is the first step to uncovering faulty cognitions.

One of the things I absolutely love about CBT and Aaron Beck's work is the recognition that depression and anxiety are caused by two kinds of beliefs being threatened;

- One's sense of belongingness/being loved
- One's sense of ability

And one of the most common cognitive errors we make is overgeneralization, where we take one incident to conclude that we are unworthy of love and/or incapable. All of CBT is about recognizing where your thoughts go global about your worth, and then fixing them.

Because CBT is so action focused, one problem with it is the ease with which it can invalidate.

"You are thinking incorrectly." - which could of course be taken to mean, "I always think wrong thoughts. Something is wrong with me. I will never be okay."

What's worse is therapists have to take a no-nonsense approach with clients.

Better but less popular therapy is Acceptance and Commitment therapy. It starts with teaching clients to be accepting of themselves and their thoughts, instead of fighting them. It starts with the softer side of acceptance and CBT can then be used alongside.

One other problem with CBT is the possibility of imposing responsibility on the client for having those thoughts; a rape victim with anxious or depressive thoughts. And that it looks towards changing the world view of the client and sort of assumes that having strong, negative emotions is in some sense abnormal.

As much as I am a humanist in that people are entitled to their worldviews, I am also starting to recognize how limited people are and how we make our lives difficult. Other than helping/waiting for a person to feel empowered enough to make changes, I have not come across another solution. 

What be up with my life! It's alternating between happy and sad/stressful news. Though, this is better than them not alternating.

Major news coming up. It will either make me really happy for a week, or really stressed for a month. *heart beats HARD*

Come on happy newsss, you oughta winnn!!

Love/Happiness/Gratitude

Stumbled upon some blogs when I really should have been sleeping. And I was filled with happiness. People are amazing. When they are being their honest selves, they are just so amazing. I can't help but feel a lot of love for these strangers because of how honest they are being about the positives and negatives of their lives. They're alive - in the Jungian sense.

Haha, we're all so human. SO human. I need to talk to madam best friend and let her know i love her.

Censor

Do you stop yourself

From thinking thoughts

That judge others,

And belittles their place?

Do you stop yourself

From thinking thoughts

That if shared aloud

Would break their hearts?

Do you stop yourself

From thinking thoughts

That you would hate

To be thought of you?

Do you stop yourself

From thinking thoughts

That you justify to be right

Because you’re "above" those mistakes?

Do you stop yourself

From thinking thoughts

That judge your self

And belittles your place?

Do you, my friend, stop yourself

From thinking thoughts

And censor the ones

That are considered wrong?

"Mindset"

(attempt at explaining a research finding in a freestyle poem format. would love to be able to get it to rhyme.)

don't tell your kids they're smart
don't praise them for their brilliance
praise them for their effort
the desire to dedicate
to inhibit all other impulses
to concentrate
on the task at hand
to employ strategies
and review them as the need may be
praise their use of skills
and strategy, to achieve

Dweck gave children
certain tasks to complete
then praised them for either
effort or intelligence.
On the second round of tests
that were harder than before
children praised for intelligence
did not do so well.
did not try as much.
children praised for effort
employed the use of effort
to solve the problem at hand
better than the children
praised for intelligence.

Don't ever praise your children
for their intelligence,
or their brilliance.
how-ever brilliant they might be.

People say

People say a lot of things.
Much of it is true.
But a lot is just wishes
disguised as truths

People are people,
imperfect to the core.
Amazing
And lacking.

We lie to ourselves
and to the world
there is no running away, sweety
from our imperfections
our cover ups
and screw ups
our lies and disguises

People say a lot of things.
Much of it is true
but a lot is just wishes.

Thought

The problem with thought is that it is never thought deeply enough or widely enough.

---
The above can also be followed up with limitations of its own.

Reminder and also to think/write more about:

Buddhism:

Mindfulness in social situations. Being open to others reality instead of jumping to "safe" conclusions.

Learning

Some books make you feel (all of these):

- small. very small for how little you know

- pride for knowing what you know

- excitement that makes you want to get up and RUN because of what you just learned

Buddhism:

Non-attachment vs. Not caring

Ghalib's Bazeecha-e-atfal:

Bolded ones are the ones I really like for how beautifully he made the point.

1. baazeechaa-e-atfaal hai duniya mere aage
hota hai shab-o-roz tamaasha mere aage

[ baazeechaa = play/sport, atfaal = children ]

2. ik khel hai auraNg-e-sulemaaN mere nazdeek
ik baat hai 'eijaz-e-maseeha mere aage

[ auraNg = throne, 'eijaz = miracle ]

3. juz naam naheeN soorat-e-aalam mujhe manzoor
juz waham naheeN hastee-e-ashiya mere aage

[ juz = other than, aalam = world, hastee = existence,
ashiya = things/items ]

4. hota hai nihaaN gard meiN sehara mere hote
ghisata hai jabeeN KHaak pe dariya mere aage

[ nihaaN = hidden, gard = dust, sehara = desert, jabeeN = forehead ]

5. mat pooch ke kya haal hai mera tere peeche ?
too dekh ke kya rang tera mere aage

6. sach kahte ho, KHudbeen-o-KHud_aaraa na kyoN hooN ?
baiTha hai but-e-aainaa_seemaa mere aage

[ KHudbeen = proud/arrogant, KHud_aaraa = self adorer,
but = beloved, aainaa_seemaa = like the face of a mirror ]

7. phir dekhiye andaaz-e-gul_afshaani-e-guftaar
rakh de koee paimaanaa-o-sahba mere aage

[ gul_afshaanee = to scatter flowers, guftaar = speech/discourse,
sahaba = wine, esp. red wine ]

8. nafrat ka gumaaN guzare hai, maiN rashk se guzaraa
kyoN kar kahooN, lo naam na uska mere aage

[ gumaaN = doubt, rashk = envy ]

9. imaaN mujhe roke hai jo khiNche hai mujhe kufr
ka'aba mere peeche hai kaleesa mere aage

[ kufr = impiety, kaleesa = church/cathedral ]

10. aashiq hooN, pe maashooq_farebee hai mera kaam
majnooN ko bura kehti hai laila mere aage

[ farebee = a fraud/cheat ]

11. KHush hote haiN par wasl meiN yoN mar naheeN jaate
aayee shab-e-hijaraaN ki tamanna mere aage

[ hijr = separation ]

12. hai mauj_zan ik qulzum-e-KHooN, kaash, yahee ho
aata hai abhee dekhiye kya-kya mere aage

[ mauj_zan = exciting, qulzum = sea, KHooN = blood ]

13. go haath ko jumbish naheeN aaNhoN meiN to dam hai
rehne do abhee saaGHar-o-meena mere aage

[ jumbish = movement/vibration, saaGHar-o-meena = goblet ]

14. ham_pesha-o-ham_masharb-o-ham_raaz hai mera
'GHalib' ko bura kyoN kaho achchaa mere aage !

[ ham_pesha = of the same profession, ham_masharb = of the
same habits/a fellow boozer, ham_raaz = confidant ]

Reading up on psychological development in childhood and I really want to take care of someone emotionally and help them be/become secure people in themselves, help them work through their wounds and traumas and towards their strengths.

Where are all my face to face people!

One More Try

'Cause teacher

There are things that I don't want to learn
And the last one I had 
Made me cry
So I don't want to learn to
Hold you, touch you
Think that you're mine
Because it ain't no joy
For an uptown boy
Whose teacher has told him goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

This is beautiful. Whenever I read this, I imagine a child.

“Before I die, I want to be somebody’s favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.”

                    - Andrea Gibson

To bring about a change:

Affection and validation combined with well-defined boundaries, discussion of various path options, and goals, plus warm accountability, expectation of emotional honesty. Honest sandwich critique method, exploration of reasons for lack of follow-through and other barriers. Affection, accountability, honesty to help act.

to think about...

you don't get me

Don't share your intentions and your feelings with the people you care about. Expect them to 'know' you, for years on end. Then find yourself wondering why your loved ones don't get you.

Right, I forgot. Sharing emotions is a sign of weakness.

Denial, ftw!

My blog has a few sad insights about the nature of life and such. But I keep them as drafts. I don't want to accept them to be true... and I certainly don't want other people to have to see them because it seems too big, way too big [to me]. I don't want anyone to go about believing that because of me, until and unless I have figured out a way to handle it.

But it's only through recognizing those truths that I can start to choose to value certain things instead of feeling obliged by them...

Ah, there's something I really don't want to let go. I have written about it and felt angry about it and tried to ignore it for over a year. I hope I am wrong and it's actually not true. I hope my assumptions are wrong. The best I can do right now is forget it exists.

----------
I can think of a few people (by few, I mean two) who would agree that this is how things work and that it is my naivety to believe that things could be/are the way I'd like them to be.

God

An attempt at trying to understand myself better lead to a slightly better understanding of God:

Remove the lampposts that illuminate/define the perceived edges of the definition of God. Remove them and see God's undefinable boundlessness. Once that makes sense, a lot of other things we hold dear will stop making sense... But no, we can't really, actually do that. Our brains are incapable of understanding that cognitively. We may have glimpses of that understanding, quickly covered up again by a strong desire to conceptualize (every concept has limits - limits that define it). 

The best we can do is try to eradicate the desire to stick to our definition of God, the perception that our definition of God is correct. Then, life will open up.

Thoughts on validation and dealing with reality

I recently realized that one of the ways I have been carrying myself and my relationships is an attempt at creating a safe world. An emotionally safe world where it is ok to express yourself and be yourself.

I realized this because I stumbled upon a therapist's blog about helping a client through her anxieties, while making sure the client does not become dependent on the therapist. While discussing the fine balance that has to be maintained, she casually mentioned how the client has to be prepared to deal with the "real" world, which is unlike therapist's office. There are triggers in the 'real' world, it is not always empathetic, it is not always safe and sometimes it's just outright scary.

That hit me. I realized I had been trying to create surroundings that are safe. I am not focused at making sure people are able to deal with their reality. Once again, I am not trying to make sure people are equipped to deal with the reality. I am trying to create a safe space. Those are two different things.

 I wondered if I am trying to run away from dealing with the reality myself by trying to change it (!!!?!).
(On second thought, no, not really.)

I am not sure what my focus should be; to try to impact the "reality" of my surroundings so that it is safer, or create a safe space that gives people the strength to deal with their realities. Or both.

(While I write this, examples of when I outright failed at creating a safe space/ended up hurting people come to mind. Ne pas bien, brain!)

I have also been wondering about the limitations of validation. Validation is extremely powerful but it is also just that. It by itself gets us to feel safe and accept our experiences as they are. But it does not necessarily allow for changes to be made. It may or it may not, depending on other factors.

This is why focus at learning to/helping people deal with reality is also important. So, it may be a two-part process; validation of experiences and incorporation of that understanding to one's relationship with their reality. In my crisis line/face to face experience, the second part sort of naturally flows, but it only flows when a few other elements are already present. Mostly, I believe it has to do with the readiness of the person and their level of empowerment. If their ability to deal with their reality is my priority, my validation will have a dual purpose; to validate the experiences as they are and to help create a better understanding of their reality that helps them deal with it better. But the second part most definitely depends on the readiness of the person.


This makes me SO relieved! I had been afraid that I was going down the road of invalidation just to express that changes can be made. But no, it IS a two-part process that has to be carried out and expressed with care.

Abbu

I was trying to pick out a card for my dad yesterday and I couldn't find any that adequately expressed how I feel about him. Not being able to find anything made me think harder about how I feel about him.

He's an incredibly hard working man. If I put myself in his place, I don't understand how he sacrificed the best years of his life to go live away from his wife and kids just so that he could provide for us. For the longest time, he worked on marine ships and was away for most of the time. He was then back before I was born. Lived with his family the way we're supposed to have it. But the situation in Pakistan forced him to find a job in Saudi Arabia. He spent some ten years away from his wife and kids. TEN YEARS. He would see his wife and kids for a month every year. ONE MONTH every year. We couldn't have moved with him for various other family reasons. 

To this day he wishes he had been there with us when we were growing up. I wish he was there with us when I was growing up. For some reason, among all of us siblings, I have always been the closest to him. I used to make sure I have a letter for him every time my mom sent one, which was very frequently. And of course I used to be upset if my mom mailed him a letter without telling me to write one, or worse if he only wrote to my mom.

I remember missing him, like actually craving for him. I don't know what those years were like for him. Now when we talk about it, he never, ever, ever wants to live without his family.

He was always present in my life still, through numerous letters and phone calls. I still have all of those letters, both the ones he wrote to me and the ones I wrote to him. We had back and forth jokes through letters :).

My daddy is awesome.

I am really quite amazed at how determined and focused he is about the well-being of his family, he lives for it. His life IS all about us. I can see that. I love him!! There are no competing priorities, it is just the family that is at the top of his priorities and nothing whatsoever interferes.

People have jokingly called him a workaholic, because he works that hard (and he might actually be one). I have learned from him what it means to really put yourself to something and give it your all. He makes small, practical goals and he gives it his all. In the end he ends up doing so much better than everyone else I know.

My mom on the other hand aims high. She makes huge goals and puts herself to it. She achieves them too. They just go about them differently. Where my family stands right now, it is because of the mutual efforts of the two of them, their mutual highest priority of the family and their hard working nature to bring about the best kind of life they can provide for us.

I really do need to learn from them both. I "aim" past (what I consider) my upper limits (which is sometimes really impractical). I am still in the process of meeting my goals and I need what my dad does. I know I put myself to my goals too. But I can definitely improve. And I need to learn from my dad.

He definitely is the person from whom I learn what strength looks like. He can face life's adversities and keep going. He doesn't give up easily. He's a real softy on the inside too - just watch him play with my niece and how none of his workaholic stuff matters as soon as it comes to my niece.

This is all regardless of how much I dislike his rules that I have to live by every day and all the disagreements that ensue.

I need to pay attention once again to things that make me happy. 

A few years ago I wrote extensively about what I want out of my life and the person I want to become.

I stumbled upon one of the lists today and realized that I am about 85% the person I wanted to be :). On bad days, I am about 70% of that person, at least. Which is still pretty good. I like the stability I seem to have reached.

The last 15% has to do with becoming more physically fit. I am working on that.

It is also time for more writing though. My goals are different now. And I definitely don't want to get stuck as the person I am right now.

I have limited patience and limited empathy. Situations and people can affect my state of mind and put me in a mental state that I am usually not in and have me act in ways that make me recognize my limitations. I don't want to say or believe that other people are responsible for my annoyed mood. I just need to be mindful.

I am done with a lot of this crap. I want the real thing now.

I want to ask people what drives them in life to take action and make a list of all the answers. 

One of my fears is that I will become an invalidating know-it-all  when dealing with people facing problems I may have faced and overcome already.

It's sometimes really hard to recognize the affect of x on y and not end up invalidating someone's experience and make them feel blamed.

Truth is, x's DO affect y. It just depends on how strongly they do... and possibly about how it can be phrased so that it doesn't make people feel blamed.

Oughta think about this some more.

I am DROWNED in limited perceptions. It sucks to realize it. This is me fighting against the nature of being/existing. What's the belief at the core of it? Probably that I should be able to know it all, or shouldn't have to be wrong? Or annoyance that I can't hold on to beliefs I want to hold on to. THAT'S IT!

Also, annoyance that everything is effing only in my head.

Talking to myself. Check.
Accepting that there's stuff only in my head. Check.
Do I sound like a crazy person yet? :p

On a scale of 1-10, this is only level 2 annoyance, sometimes peaking to level 4. Subtle, low level annoyance. I seem to be trying to figure something out.

Perceptions

Life is nothing but a game of perceptions. You better believe you have the right perceptions because without it you will go crazy. But you're actually wrong. Your perceptions are too limited.

Existential loneliness, too, is an experience bounded by enabling beliefs.

Finite Suffering?

For the last little while I have been trying to understand suffering. So far, what I have understood it to be is moments of emotional or physical pain, repeated over and over. The most important part of my understanding was that these moments last just as long as physical sensation of pain. We can then extend it to psychological pain - and THAT can last a lifetime. But really, pain only lasts as long as the neurons are receiving that pain stimuli. I should point out here that electric potential in our brains (the process through which electrical signals are conveyed through a neuron) are finite, all-or-nothing bursts of electrical energy.

However, the information flow from one neuron to the next happens chemically, via hormones or neurotransmitters. The interesting thing to note about this transmission is that only so much neurotransmitters/hormones are transmitted to the next cell at once. Finite, is the word.

-----------------
Also, up until now, I equated suffering to major life events. Only recently I have really started to look at the bunch of moments of suffering that are not caused by any major life events. I will write about this more later.

I really like smart people. They sometimes blowww my mind.

P.S. I need to read up on Carl Jung.

Meta meta knowledge

I AM trying to simplify issues. I almost always break them down to their fundamentals. I am hoping to have a set of fundamentals figured out at some point in my life that consistently help understand most issues and find solutions.

I am also trying to develop a framework of looking at most issues that help plug in all different kinds of perspectives on an issue in such a way that it's easy and quick to see the whole picture. Opinions/perspectives are always limited and I am interested in more than just my perspective.

I want to learn about relationships between different perspectives.

(In doing so, I can't help but personally shed ineffective perspectives, and so I don't know if I'd be able to keep them in the framework. But I guess I could keep its fundamentals in sight.)

I am functioning from this belief that a framework is actually possible - this should be conscious.

Time will tell how impossible this task is.

Infatuation/Limerance

In speaking with a few people in love, specifically one I spend hours every week with, hearing pretty much every thought (conscious) that crosses this person's mind, I can't help but be awed by the craziness of infatuation. It's really something. Nothing else seems to come close to it.

(I don't think I have come across people this infatuated before, or at least anyone verbalizing so many of their thoughts.)

And of course my mind keeps going back to this part in Love Actually:

The entire conversation is amazinggg!

What drives you

What drives you
in life
to take action?

Is it a sense of purpose,
desire to make life better
Desire to make others' life better

Is it your work
Does it perpetuate passion
Does it make you come alive

Is it your loved-ones, your parents, your children
Their well-being,
or their expectations?

What drives you
Is it the possibility of  failure
Or the fear that you just wont measure up?

What is it?
Your insecurities
That make you crave higher status, more money
Makes you believe all will be "well", if only, if only!

Or is it your life's painful events
That make you want to escape
and believe they never happened.

What is it that drives you?

I don't understand 'true love'.

If parental love is the epitome of love, my parents are vulnerable people limited by their own experiences.

(And I love them for that.)

Compassion probably is the ultimate highest value.


I keep coming back to this. Attachment is what keeps relationships going, but not what keeps them healthy. Attachment that is obsessive earlier in romantic attractions. Attachment is the flip side of the pain of losing; a family member, a good friend, a loved one. It has biological bases. The most highly valued form of love in our society is biological attachment.

Peace

I was driving to work this morning, with radio playing loudly in the car. A thought came to me and I needed to pay attention to it, so I turned the radio off. As soon as I turned the radio off, I noticed the almost hail like ice pellets falling against the windshield. And then the moving cars. I realized everything was moving, but everything was still. For that moment, all the cars going East on 401, both express and collector, and all the cars going West were moving at about 70km/h.

No one was rushing. No one was faster or slower than anyone else. It seemed like we were all driving at the same speed. It lasted for longer than a moment. It was a weird moment of peace. It felt like it was a coordinated effort.

I don't know if that was a moment of oneness. I didn't feel merged into them, didn't lose my sense of self, but we were all on the same road, it was loud yet peaceful. Like the sound of rainfall, like everyone on the road was enjoying the sound of the rainfall.

I don't trust strong feelings. I don't trust feelings that get my heart beating.

I recognize them, but don't act on them until they stop beating my heart so hard.

Maintenance

It seems like life is more about maintenance than anything else.

This is probably what 'getting stuck in a routine' is.

Reading up on genetics. Am I a miracle or what!

In love

Expanding horizon.

half cooked

Scary thought.

Maybe, just maybe, everything that I have learnt about life is not as correct as I think it is. Maybe my experiences have not completed the full circle and what I know and believe is still half-cooked.

Third Wave Feminist (almost)

With International Womens' Day last week and conversations around Men's movements, I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I call myself a feminist yet do not feel as passionately as a lot of other feminists.

Then I stumbled upon something I had written in 2011 in response to someone's critique about Men's Movements and now I remember where I stand:

There is a long way to go to resolve all that women continue to face. However, it isn't one against the other. I agree that women have suffered for longer and in a myriad of ways in our patriarchal society. But we can't take that to deny that men haven't. 

We can't take men's issues to mean that women haven't suffered or have suffered less. The point being, it isn't one or the other. Society's rigid expectations have made life difficult for both men and women. 

As for it being "another conspiring male effort to over-shadow feminist struggles", well, there will always be those ideologies (and kind of people) around. In order for us to see the problem for what it is, we need to rise above that kind of pettiness that we can expect to notice from both masculist and feminist groups. 

I would willingly go as far as to say that men's movements owe it to feminist movements that made space for them to fight for their rights. Rights that of; being able to be their own persons and not have to be modeled after the stereotypical genders.

The problem of feminism is not just a problem that women face, it is what the society faces. I am a feminist in that I believe in equal rights and suitable opportunities based on needs. I do not see women as a separate group when it comes to equality, or having to fight for equality. Equal rights are a given in our society. Women are just a group with differing needs.

Society is not able to meet all the needs of these two groups, the way they need it. The problem is with further recognition and education.

The effort should go in those areas. It irks me and makes me very uncomfortable when women's struggles are portrayed as a war against women.

The North American society has overcome a lot of rights issues in the last 30-40 years. Not all of women's needs are being met effectively, no. Women still continue to face trouble riding up the corporate ladder, they still do face more violence than their male counterparts. So we need to take action, we need to educate, we need to push for better policies but we need to quit seeing women as victims.

The Feminists of 70's and 80's have fought that battle and have conquered. Now, the problems belong to the whole of the society and even though they are pertinent to women, they are not politically feminist.

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However, if we speak of feminism in the developing world (and the developing world culture we brought  to North America), I am a Second Wave Feminist. We have yet to fight a lot of battles there.

You know when you meet people and they remind you of you... and then they make you cringe. And you wonder what in the world you were smoking when you acted that way?

Yeah.

That.

Arbitrary, but real

Every idea that we aspire to, or a value we hold, is extremely arbitrary. But also very real and thus, important.

It seems as if most of our conflict comes down to which of those arbitrary but real ideas are more important.

I think Liberalism and Conservatism are just two perspectives on how to organize the value systems to resolve those conflicts. Liberalism basically values freedom of individual desires. Conservatism values preservation of society by trying to avoid the pitfalls of misguided individual desires.

Solutions to decision making anxiety

I came across this on edge.org and my anxieties about decision making immediately "hung together" :p.

Calvin's Law of Coherence

When things "all hang together," you have either gotten the joke, solved the puzzle, argued in a circle, focused your chain of logic so narrowly that you will be blindsided—or discovered a hidden pattern in nature. Science, in large part, consists of imagining coherent solutions and then making sure that you weren't fooled by a false coherence as in astrology.

Then I had another insight the other day, while shopping and trying to make those decisions. It was just that my anxieties stay at bay when I know my expectations are clear and high. That's what I need. Clear expectations and not settling for less than what I want.

So far, my expectations have been clear to me. But they are definitely not being satisfied by what is out there. So, I am stuck between having to compromise in ways I do not want to.

This helps.

Vitakka

I am coming close to deciding that I will not anymore go on the search for variables that are unknown to me, when it comes to making a decision. I am very close to deciding that I will take what I know of the situation as the temporal truth.

I am choosing to close the doors and not let my mind wander without a structure.


I was at a conference yesterday. Though the conference was about Desire and Entanglement from a Buddhist perspective, and the consequences of incorporating that into Western Psychology, my attention wandered elsewhere.

Two of the panelists were Jordan Peterson and John Vervaeke. They are a few of the most well-known and well-liked professors at UofT.

While making their respective points about desire, they both mentioned some stuff that combined in an interesting way for me to have me result in the conclusion above.

Peterson discussed the physiology of our brain structures - the details of which I won't go into - but his main point was, we go after what we desire. Our brains work towards getting what we want. However, when we fail to not get that a few too many times, we realize something is wrong. At those times, our brains re-evaluate, figure out what needs to be learned, what needs to be perceived and try to do that. That is a painful  process, its a process of recognizing what we knew wasn't enough and did not work, and also that now a new territory has to be explored. But, the brain does it itself. Faced with obstacles, it goes looking for solutions.

My fear has been locking myself up in my way of perceiving the world. John Vervaeke, being a Cognitive Scientist, often talks about the problem of framing. How we frame the world is what we see. According to Vervaeke, we pay attention to a very small piece of everything that is out there. The reason for which is our natural limits for carrying cognitive load and so what we do pay attention to is guarded by our relevance realization field.

Relevance realization field is everything and anything that is important to us and stands out. We see what is important to us and we orient ourselves to what's important to us. We do not see all of what is out there. Thus my fear. I know that I do not know A LOT. And I do not know if what I see is going to lead me to difficult situations.

The solution I thought of was to try to keep my eyes open. I was speaking with Jordan Peterson once and he advised that I "listen to people", really listen to people to see what else is happening out there, and to see what I don't see. I don't quite remember when that conversation happened, but since then, I have been trying to keeps my ears open. I have been listening to people and trying to decipher their way of looking at the world. I haven't been doing any of this consciously.

Even while I write that, I am not too sure how open I have been :). I know there are no limits to how much I can learn and there's definitely no limit to how much there is out there in the world. So who knows, maybe I haven't actually been as open as I think I have :). *ouch*

Moving on, the knowledge that I know little has had more of an impact on me than whatever I have been able to learn from people. I have noticed that people think differently from me (duh!), but not in any Earth shattering ways. The idea however has made me anxious about my decisions. I am forever worried if I am missing out on crucial information that would change my mind and have me see the world/that particular situation differently. I mean, my way of looking at situations has been wrong a number of times and it would only be sane (of my brain) to not misunderstand situations.

Now, Vervaeke yesterday mentioned something very casually that there's no way we can always know everything there is to know (Duh, again!). I needed to hear that, because in my mind if I make an ineffective decision because of my lack of knowledge, I am to blame because I could have always learned more.

Then, Peterson, earlier that day, had said that the brain itself goes looking for alternative routes. Someone asked him what you should do when you don't know what to do; when your previous path did not work out. He said, "prepare to do everything". (Yes, I know how annoying that answer is.) But then he added, "we can only do three things when we don't know what to do; freeze, prepare to do everything or just do SOMEthing". The three may even happen in succession, and that makes sense.

So here's what I am going to do. I am going to close my open doors. I will take what I know at face value. I feel like I can trust myself in making mostly good judgments for most part. But for times when I don't think something is going right, I will consciously try to figure out what one door needs to be opened and open just that one, go out and seek different answers to just that question. If I do learn something very differently, I will sit down and think about my perspective and the new perspective, I'll consciously see what needs to be changed in my perspective and hopefully either make that change, or go looking for more information.

I will not try to stay open to everything. This would also require that I need to express my point of view when I hear a different point of view. When I do hear a different one, I quickly get lost in thinking about that other way of looking at the situation.

So, here's the plan: I will stop thinking about variables that I do not know about. What I know is what I know. When someone mentions something different and it actually looks viable, I will definitely explore it more. And the consciously choose to either let it affect my perspective, or close that door forever.

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Structured thinking is also called Vitakka and is one of the two kinds of thinking often discussed while discussing "Right View" in the Eight-fold path.

not knowing

My realization that I don't know enough really doesn't help my decision making process.

I also know that what I know is all I can know right now. I have to decide from what I do know.

And then, I know my answer.

But I don't know if my lack of knowledge would prove my decisions to be ineffective. Or if there is something I am not seeing, or not realizing - especially if people around me are going on and on about it.

if people are mentioning certain things over and over, I should listen, right?

I have. And I still don't feel differently. I feel what they have to say. But it still doesn't stand out in my relevance realization field. It does, a little. But not as much as others would like. Not enough to change my  mind.

So, is that my decision? Sure. I am ok with that.

But is that the correct decision? I don't know.

Will it be too late by the time I change my mind? I REALLY don't know.



I either need validation for thinking things through correctly, or for someone to point out exactly where I am making this thinking error that is leading me to completely different results.

Invalidation hurts

I am realizing once again just how painful it is to not be understood... specially by the people we most crave understanding from.