Headspace

...is the name of an app I have been using to create "headspace".

I don't have headspace to process new information. It's odd that I feel this way. I have a rather short assignment due, that I am not able to process. I am not able to connect the dots. And then the day after, I have another list of conversations to have that I am not prepared for, and I don't have time to prepare for. My brain is not active enough to reach productive decisions in a short period of time.

There is little time, and lots to process.

I also don't see myself getting any work done after I get home in the evening.


I also have not been able to connect with W properly over the last week. We haven't had real chats about how we are doing in a while.

I am trying to fulfil family responsibilities and all of a sudden there is a bit too much going on.


But it will all settle. I need to get my head to do the work. And I need my head to connect these ideas I am trying to express. I need to discuss them with the prof.

Existential angst

Yup!

I thought I had it figured out many years ago. But I still find myself craving that meaning. It hits me when I am physically alone, and not interested in pursuing the goals of the day. It hits me at home.

I couldn't understand why it continued to hit me even after I started my grad program. I thought once I am in this program, doing the work I am dying to do, my life would be filled with so much meaning that I would have to take breaks from it. I was afraid my engagement in my work and with my clients would end up creating more heartache for me.

I couldn't figure out why it continued to bother me when I had married a man who let me be myself. I had thought if I could be myself, live by my own rules - as opposed to that of the society - I would be happy. But happiness is not the same as meaning.

In essence, I had decided that meaning comes from work and relationships. I had decided on meaningful work, and knew that loving, healthy, connected relationships would bring me that sense of inner joy, satisfaction and contentment.

But I don't know what's missing. I don't know what is bringing about these restless nights and lonely days of meaninglessness. I am having to keep myself busy to distract myself from those thoughts. It helps me to remember that this is not new. Even before I ever got into this program, and got married, I had days when life had no meaning. It happened especially when I took vacations and stayed at home.

It may be that I am wrong in my attempts to find meaning. Maybe there is no way to fill that void. Maybe this too is the wrong way to go about it. I don't know, and I don't know who to turn to.