Yup!
I thought I had it figured out many years ago. But I still find myself craving that meaning. It hits me when I am physically alone, and not interested in pursuing the goals of the day. It hits me at home.
I couldn't understand why it continued to hit me even after I started my grad program. I thought once I am in this program, doing the work I am dying to do, my life would be filled with so much meaning that I would have to take breaks from it. I was afraid my engagement in my work and with my clients would end up creating more heartache for me.
I couldn't figure out why it continued to bother me when I had married a man who let me be myself. I had thought if I could be myself, live by my own rules - as opposed to that of the society - I would be happy. But happiness is not the same as meaning.
In essence, I had decided that meaning comes from work and relationships. I had decided on meaningful work, and knew that loving, healthy, connected relationships would bring me that sense of inner joy, satisfaction and contentment.
But I don't know what's missing. I don't know what is bringing about these restless nights and lonely days of meaninglessness. I am having to keep myself busy to distract myself from those thoughts. It helps me to remember that this is not new. Even before I ever got into this program, and got married, I had days when life had no meaning. It happened especially when I took vacations and stayed at home.
It may be that I am wrong in my attempts to find meaning. Maybe there is no way to fill that void. Maybe this too is the wrong way to go about it. I don't know, and I don't know who to turn to.
I thought I had it figured out many years ago. But I still find myself craving that meaning. It hits me when I am physically alone, and not interested in pursuing the goals of the day. It hits me at home.
I couldn't understand why it continued to hit me even after I started my grad program. I thought once I am in this program, doing the work I am dying to do, my life would be filled with so much meaning that I would have to take breaks from it. I was afraid my engagement in my work and with my clients would end up creating more heartache for me.
I couldn't figure out why it continued to bother me when I had married a man who let me be myself. I had thought if I could be myself, live by my own rules - as opposed to that of the society - I would be happy. But happiness is not the same as meaning.
In essence, I had decided that meaning comes from work and relationships. I had decided on meaningful work, and knew that loving, healthy, connected relationships would bring me that sense of inner joy, satisfaction and contentment.
But I don't know what's missing. I don't know what is bringing about these restless nights and lonely days of meaninglessness. I am having to keep myself busy to distract myself from those thoughts. It helps me to remember that this is not new. Even before I ever got into this program, and got married, I had days when life had no meaning. It happened especially when I took vacations and stayed at home.
It may be that I am wrong in my attempts to find meaning. Maybe there is no way to fill that void. Maybe this too is the wrong way to go about it. I don't know, and I don't know who to turn to.
No comments:
Post a Comment