I almost don't feel so broken anymore.
I really needed this. I don't feel fully healed, theres more I need to talk to him about. I am also breaking away from him, not crutching on the broken pieces of that relationship.
I told him just how much the poly idea hurt. He apologized for what used to be some of our constant issues, that he realized that is how relationships work.
I told him those few months before ending it were utter crap. I need to express my feelings to him, for him to understand and then apologize.
I care about him still. How can you stop? But not romantically.
He had tried a hallucinogen a few days ago, some drug that is known to be therapeutic. He decided then that he wanted to reach out to me, and his family. He has been way more into Jungian psychology and told me that today is Jung's birthday. I don't know enough about Jungian psychology to understand why that matters, but I know Jungian stuff is weird like that.
He took stock of how he always represses his issues. I was reminded of our arguments where I'd tell him to deal with them.
I just feel validated on so many levels.
I am going to go indulge in something beautiful now.
I am on my way home.
He had been working on an email to send to me when I contacted him.
I have mixed feelings right now. It was really pleasant. We were right back to where we had left off for the connection. Our ability to talk was exactly the same. We joked around.
He mentioned many things that he realized about relationships after ours ended - most of the problems we had. Both of us tried to stay away from details that would hurt the other person. He apologized for a lot of it.
No wonder he was emotionally done in about an hour.
We will meet up again. Both of us want to be friends. I'm concerned that by the third meeting, the ugly will rear its head unless we are both very careful.
I told him an ex story, to which he said something along the lines of, wouldn't it be amazing if all ex's had the decency to disappear from the world. I teased him back.
I feel at peace.
I burst out laughing when I realized my unwavering determination for what I'm about to do feels like suicide. (No, I'm not thinking about physically harming myself).
I'm going to message him after 3 years and ask him to meet me. I'm not preparing for it, not thinking about it, not processing anything. I'm a determined, calm, emotional mess and I need to do this. I have needed to do this for years. I have the guts right now. And I don't know when I may have them again. In his pictures, I see a total stranger. This could be utter shit. I may ruin next few months for myself or begin healing.
"A sentence in an article brought me to tears.
It has been 4 years and it doesn't stop hurting.
I was brought back to Aug 3rd, 2011, sitting side by side with the love of my life. We had moved from facing each other to sitting side by side, because we both needed to feel a bit closer after the topic that had been touched upon.
He wanted to be polyamorous.
His role model had gone polyamorous a couple years ago. A year later, him and his wife were divorcing because it didn't work for her. Their transition made him curious. My fear about his curiosity kept me at bay, even intellectually. Conversations about it had begun between the two of us. He wanted me to read a book about it. Just the conversations alone made me curl up in fetal position. The idea hurt. I understood fully that I did not own him in any sort of a way. But no part of my self could accept the idea of him being intimate with another woman.
For two years, there were conversations about it every 5-6 months. Every time, it would end with an explanation of just how difficult the idea was for me.
That day, sitting side by side, he told me he absolutely wanted to experience polyamory.
That one sentence felt like my heart was being beaten with a whip. Over, and over again.
I had felt heavy under my inability to let him go, to let him grow into the person he was choosing for himself. The pain of him growing into that person was way more than not having him in my life anymore. I couldn't have him in my life anymore. That was the only possible relief from the pain.
I told him in a solemn voice that we couldn't be together anymore. We had always promised to value each other's well-being and personal growth over our restrictive desires. He understood.
We hugged. He held me. Then asked me to hold him. I fell asleep. I was exhausted after such an emotionally difficult conversation. I did not want to wake up from that nap, because I knew I had to get up and go. And that would be the end.
He called me the next day to tell me he did not want to break up. That he decided he did not want to go poly anymore, and for us to stay together.
But that came too late. It came after I had taken quite a beating from his desires. I couldn't be with him any longer. Ever.
He was embarrassed that he was seeking polyamory. Asked me to never tell anyone. I promised I never would.
I kept the pain to myself for years. Today, one sentence brought me to tears. My heart still feels the pain of the beating of that sentence."
