"A sentence in an article brought me to tears.

It has been 4 years and it doesn't stop hurting. 

I was brought back to Aug 3rd, 2011, sitting side by side with the love of my life. We had moved from facing each other to sitting side by side, because we both needed to feel a bit closer after the topic that had been touched upon. 

He wanted to be polyamorous. 

His role model had gone polyamorous a couple years ago. A year later, him and his wife were divorcing because it didn't work for her. Their transition made him curious. My fear about his curiosity kept me at bay, even intellectually. Conversations about it had begun between the two of us. He wanted me to read a book about it. Just the conversations alone made me curl up in fetal position. The idea hurt. I understood fully that I did not own him in any sort of a way. But no part of my self could accept the idea of him being intimate with another woman. 

For two years, there were conversations about it every 5-6 months. Every time, it would end with an explanation of just how difficult the idea was for me.  

That day, sitting side by side, he told me he absolutely wanted to experience polyamory. 

That one sentence felt like my heart was being beaten with a whip. Over, and over again. 

I had felt heavy under my inability to let him go, to let him grow into the person he was choosing for himself. The pain of him growing into that person was way more than not having him in my life anymore. I couldn't have him in my life anymore. That was the only possible relief from the pain. 

I told him in a solemn voice that we couldn't be together anymore. We had always promised to value each other's well-being and personal growth over our restrictive desires. He understood. 

We hugged. He held me. Then asked me to hold him. I fell asleep. I was exhausted after such an emotionally difficult conversation. I did not want to wake up from that nap, because I knew I had to get up and go. And that would be the end. 

He called me the next day to tell me he did not want to break up. That he decided he did not want to go poly anymore, and for us to stay together. 

But that came too late. It came after I had taken quite a beating from his desires. I couldn't be with him any longer. Ever. 

He was embarrassed that he was seeking polyamory. Asked me to never tell anyone. I promised I never would. 

I kept the pain to myself for years. Today, one sentence brought me to tears. My heart still feels the pain of the beating of that sentence."