these quiet moments
in this large city
humbles me
to the infinite smallness
of my being

A big ball of anxiety at 3am.

Headspace

...is the name of an app I have been using to create "headspace".

I don't have headspace to process new information. It's odd that I feel this way. I have a rather short assignment due, that I am not able to process. I am not able to connect the dots. And then the day after, I have another list of conversations to have that I am not prepared for, and I don't have time to prepare for. My brain is not active enough to reach productive decisions in a short period of time.

There is little time, and lots to process.

I also don't see myself getting any work done after I get home in the evening.


I also have not been able to connect with W properly over the last week. We haven't had real chats about how we are doing in a while.

I am trying to fulfil family responsibilities and all of a sudden there is a bit too much going on.


But it will all settle. I need to get my head to do the work. And I need my head to connect these ideas I am trying to express. I need to discuss them with the prof.

Existential angst

Yup!

I thought I had it figured out many years ago. But I still find myself craving that meaning. It hits me when I am physically alone, and not interested in pursuing the goals of the day. It hits me at home.

I couldn't understand why it continued to hit me even after I started my grad program. I thought once I am in this program, doing the work I am dying to do, my life would be filled with so much meaning that I would have to take breaks from it. I was afraid my engagement in my work and with my clients would end up creating more heartache for me.

I couldn't figure out why it continued to bother me when I had married a man who let me be myself. I had thought if I could be myself, live by my own rules - as opposed to that of the society - I would be happy. But happiness is not the same as meaning.

In essence, I had decided that meaning comes from work and relationships. I had decided on meaningful work, and knew that loving, healthy, connected relationships would bring me that sense of inner joy, satisfaction and contentment.

But I don't know what's missing. I don't know what is bringing about these restless nights and lonely days of meaninglessness. I am having to keep myself busy to distract myself from those thoughts. It helps me to remember that this is not new. Even before I ever got into this program, and got married, I had days when life had no meaning. It happened especially when I took vacations and stayed at home.

It may be that I am wrong in my attempts to find meaning. Maybe there is no way to fill that void. Maybe this too is the wrong way to go about it. I don't know, and I don't know who to turn to.

In undergrad, a "therapist" once told me that I will not get into grad school with my grades.

I don't quite know what possessed her to say such a thing - but that's besides the point.

I am now half way there.

If anyone tried to tell me I won't have a PhD under my belt, I'll show them.

This hasn't been an easy battle for me. I was under the impression this degree will go by with ease. That's not the case. But I'm ready to fight.

I randomly feel that lack of meaning in my life. It happens at least monthly, and for the last couple weeks, it's been happening a couple times a week at least.

I don't know why. My life is full. I have everything (important) I wanted. I'm generally happy about my life's trajectory - where I am less than satisfied, I know the reasons, and so it doesn't bother me.

But this feeling keeps returning.

Sometimes being too busy and stressed about meeting the next deadline is the culprit, but I fear that it's the lack of meaningful activities that are the cause. I don't know.

This summer I haven't had a single weekend properly off. There has been some responsibility to meet every weekend, from extremely stressful school paper, to health conditions, weddings and wedding anniversaries in the family. I'm not the person to shy away from family time/responsibilities, but after a very hectic year, crazy May/June, and busy rest of the summer, it's starting to feel like there never was any rest.

I don't know if this is how life is supposed to be. It's always moving, there's always something.

I have wanted a rich life. Rich with a fulfilling career, experiences, love, time with family and friends. I want to die knowing I lived a good, full life.

But here I am feeling the opposite...

We are all Queens

I have gotten to hang out with some of my closest girlfriends after a very long time. We have known each other for years and shared real experiences.

We are all at much better career places in our lives, though the work is far from done. We are making our dreams a reality.

No longer do we 'share' a life. We are not students living at the same residence. We have created our own paths that are all because of our own doing. We are writing our life's stories. We are the main character. We are the Queens of our lives.

I want to hit the 40-year and 50-year milestones with a group of incredible, strong, hard-working, genuine women beside me.

I want my kids to see strong and loving women so often that they believe there is no other way for a woman to be.

The problem with productivity

More you do, more uncomfortable you get with the undone.

Either there is no such things as no regrets, or I am just not the kind of person who can have no regrets.

Our wedding photos are amazing. We look happy, we look good, everyone else looks happy, the decor is beautiful, the pictures are overall amazing. But I just realized that I just have one picture with just my dad. I have a few with my mom, just one with abbu... And that makes me sad.

More I look at the pictures, more critical I become. Like there is no picture capturing the back of my wedding dress.

Can I just be happy? :(

Writing about existential emptiness, and I am listening to all kinds of teenagery angsty music. Didn't think I'd be back there!

My playlist is a string of beautiful memories... From memories of Nana abbu and Ammani, to moments shared with abbu just listening to ghazals :).

I will forever cherish little moments like my dad asking if I wanted to listen to ghazals and playing some in the living room for me to enjoy. He misses how we used to enjoy the ghazals together.

Music makes me happy :)

Just killing the afternoon with peanut butter cookies and special "juice" and my favourite music from over the years.

Or maybe it's the stuff in the special juice that's making me happy :p.

Narrative Therapy

I didn't get to use Narrative therapy as much as I would have liked in my placement. Part of the reason is that I didn't understand it well enough.

But now that I am getting a better sense of it, every client issue I revisit fits within the Narrative framework SO EASILY. I think Narrative may just be the most efficient in reaching those goals and making long-term goals.

Okay FactCheck: Lopes (2014) measured the two and found that Narrative is as effective as CBT.

I find CBT to be too labour intensive. Narrative may not even feel like serious work to clients.

I used some Narrative elements with my 79 year old client who thought he had Aspergers - but was never diagnosed. He was there, but was not motivated to make change. The way I understood it, after 80 years of living a certain way, there's immense comfort in who you are, even if it makes your everyday absolutely suck (yes, clinical terminology!). Through our Narrative conversations we started to break through to some of those belief patterns. I was so happy when in the beginning of the session once he went from saying that nothing at all brought him pleasure, to - by the end of the session - listing all the things that brought him pleasure :).

Aside: He was one of my favourite clients. So incredibly intelligent! A lot of our session time was spent on talking about the world, politics, Trump and life in general.

When ending therapy, one of my clients told me that he has been using his newly developed insights about himself and others to help friends and coworkers with their issues. He said he now wants to help other people live better lives.

And I thought: Woah! Did that really happen! Is MY client going to teach the skills learned in here to others? Will this start a teensy tiny domino effect, because​ fuck! that would be amazing!!!

That was the biggest "success". I've had another client tell me he has been fighting less with his wife since he started coming, and the insights have been helping to reduce their fights.

I guess I'm doing *something* right.

Then there are others... Expressions of sadness that it's ending to appreciation, heartfelt messages, hugs.

I hope I really did make somewhat of a difference. 💓💓

How ironic to have clients tell you that they are doing better, and have been finding their therapy successful, when you, yourself just spent the previous evening crying to your husband about how difficult life feels.

My anxiety is high and I don't know why.

I am generally not liking life. I am frequently and very easily finding myself thinking about how difficult life feels. I had 4 of 5 days off last week, and I thought that would help me calm down, but it didn't. I had quite an anxious experience one of the days. I actually felt like I was going to lose control. 

I can't wait to just do nothing, and have nothing asked of me. I want to produce nothing. 

Maybe I have been doing way too much over the last year. Maybe I am exhausted. It's more than compassion fatigue. I know I don't want to go back and listen to people. I.just.dont. I dont want to hear a word of problems and troubles, anxiety, depression, trauma.

But I have committed to my clients and I just have three weeks to wrap it up with them.

I have never experienced it this way. It's not just compassion fatigue, because I am tired of using my brain. I am easily anxious and feel like my brain is forever running. I don't even have the energy to think about how to re-orient my thoughts and feelings. 

I am being stupid. I am watching Shahrukh Khan's Dilwale.

SRK's excitement after their first date made me realize I would never have that again.

And then I remembered our first date. No one has made me feel the way W did on that first date. To be fair, we had been talking for a while before that first date, so there was enough of a comfort level.

He seemed smart, ambitious, keenly observant, and someone who had a good grasp on life. I could tell he was trying to impress me :p, and I admit I was pretty impressed.

I felt like as long as I was with him that day, I was safe... in a weird sort of a way. Like there was bubble wrap around us. I was pretty unaware of the rest of the world. It was just us. Even though we were in an area I have spent enough time in, it still seemed new. It almost felt like my feet weren't on the ground. I didn't want the evening to end.

No one had asked me the kinds of questions he was asking. There was insight in those questions, like he knew a thing or two about life, and living. I had to take quite some time to calm myself down that night. It was weird. I felt undone, but also really attracted. Like he had started to peel my layers off in a very delicious sort of a way.

No wonder I felt so attracted. The questions were deep. Like he actually cared.

Life is weird. And marriage makes it weirder.

Both W and I are melancholic sort of people - or at least we have enjoyed those moods.

Since getting married, even if I try, I cant get there. Even if I want to be in one of those moods, I cant.


I guess we're happy or something :p.


The downside is, I find it hard to be creative without those moods.

My heart expands with joy every time I think about getting to be be in the room with people, creating a real bond and helping them achieve change.

Change is the end goal. But that is not the cause of my happiness. It is the way a client responds to me in the hallway, and how they introduce me to their daughter or their spouse. I remember our first few sessions where they did not trust me, and here we are. We are connecting. We are talking about real stuff. We are engaging in psychotherapy and they are working with me to bring about changes. We are laughing together, we have tense moments, we have heart-wrenchingly sad moments, there are tears, and then there is that smile in the hallway.

It really is amazing to see your clients start to do better; their smiles, their confidence, their increased engagement in therapy.

It gives me more reason to learn to be a better therapist. I have seen how I have improved through the course of my practice. I cant wait to get better, to be more effective. To say the right thing at the right time, to phrase my statements as questions, to be comfortable in my own skin, to learn, learn, learn.

If there's one right decision I have taken in my life, it is the decision to become a therapist.


It helps that my supervisor thinks I am the most successful student she has had :p (and she's pretty amazing herself).

La vie en rose

This is absolutely beautiful! She is incredibly talented!

I don't know to what degree, if at all, my clients like my methodical process to understand their issues. I am thorough, and I also let some things go. I don't jump to clichés, and I don't generalize for the fear of straying them wrong.

I wonder if it gets annoying for them.

But my supervisor is pretty detail oriented too, and she does it in a way that builds therapeutic alliance. And I like the way she works with her clients.

Hmm...