Vulnerability and lack of compassion for others

I have been meaning to write about this for a really long time but my schedule hasn't allowed me any time.

Lately, for over a couple years, I have been noticing how there are this one kind of people who I just DONT understand. I run into them every now and then and every time, they leave me extremely confused. I go hours thinking about their attitudes and what makes them that way. I have a theory that I have to rediscover with every person and fortunately enough, it fits well, every time.

I am too reluctant to jump to my theory at the first sign of such "confusion," as I strongly believe that every person is different on many levels so I can not generalize them without sufficient evidence.

Let me explain what kind of people I am talking about. These are the people who on the surface will be nice yet willing to hurt you. The way they hurt others isn't outright mean but more manipulative. They are not outright in-your-face evil, which is the sad part. These people are very complicated to understand, at least for me. They are not evil yet they make you feel that way. They are also nice and have the ability to leave lasting impressions of various impressive kinds.

The problem with these people seems to be in their more than normal willingness to hurt others. Now, they don't do that because they hate you, or all humanity. They do it because well, according to them, you did or "could" do something very highly inappropriate, which could potentially hurt them. You could probably see through that sentence. If not, I will be sure to explain that later, as that is the point of this post.

If you hear people uttering various renditions of "I dont care about others feelings, I am/will do the right thing" etc, you can be reasonably sure (with discretion) that you have stumbled upon one of those people. You might also find them to be very judgmental. Lets say, very, very judgmental.

They will be willing to judge you over anything under the sun, obviously depending on who they are. The last person, who lead me to start thinking about this, announced that the only thing she finds wrong and annoying is being "stupid". Our conversation happened to be about the intrinsic meaning of life and lack thereof. The lack of the intrinsic meaning of life makes it even more necessary to give some structure to acceptable behaviors. In the person's opinion, stupidity is one such structures to follow.

(Now, in defense of the person let me mention that I am very sure this person is not stupid enough to actually believe that ones understanding of "stupidity" determines any code of conduct for others. This reply was at the most an attempt at face-saving in reply to a strong opinion I had expressed earlier. The comment was about something stupid I had done, in her opinion.)

Anyway, further conversations followed which gave more beef to my theory and thus proved it once again.

I have learned this the hard way, which now seems like common sense. Lets see if this "lesson" sticks or if my conscience keeps me from generalizing a similar situation again.

The conversation that followed educated me a little bit about the person. It provided me more evidence to support the claim that most of the people who sometimes seem worse than evil are actually very, very, very scared or badly hurt. This person has gone through a lot in her life. I dont know what exactly it is, all I know is, it was big for her. She is a smart person. She knew what she was doing, what defense mechanisms she was using and why she needs to. She is, however, too afraid to let them down. The defense mechanism, i.e. being apathetic towards other people and your emotions which allows them to hurt other people more easily, stands as their protective wall which also pierce through others quite painfully.

This reminds me of very popular archaic character of villain. Villains or the bad guys in most stories have been hurt badly. It is that pain which makes them the bad guy; too apathetic to care about others.

For me, it was a difficult position to be in. On one hand, she had been and could continue to manipulate and hurt me to protect herself. The reason why a person like that would manipulate others is to get what they want from each situation. They have had enough scary experiences to trust the world as is. This leads them to manipulate others to act in ways that either gives them more power to control situations or at the very least, act in ways that these people have experience dealing with.

On the other hand, I could see through this side of her, which awakened the nurturing part of me, for her. I wanted to ease her pain. However, I was very aware from my previous experiences that taking care of this kind of people is very difficult. They require a lot more care and attention and they can grow to depend on you quite a bit, sometimes more than you can handle. (When I realized this, another question arose: Is the right thing to do right because its right for others or yourself?)

I have been in this situation before and it can tear you apart, especially if you care about the person even the tiniest bit. It took me forever to understand my previous encounters. I never ended up figuring it all out. The reason was, these people act in ways that qualify and show through as strength. They can hurt you and you gotta save yourself from them. They have pseudo-strength, but it is very difficult to realize that when you're getting hurt yourself. What it actually is a very vulnerable inside that needs that protective mask of strength. It sounds painful to imagine. It is sad that someone could be so scared and vulnerable. But that is the truth.

Sadly, there is another truth to it. You HAVE to protect yourself as well. In this situation, I allowed the conversation to die. If you know me well, you might have discovered that I leap up to help and protect those in emotional pain. I can not watch people suffer, no matter how long I have known them. I let this conversation die because I knew I could not take the responsibility for this person, which I would have wanted to take.

I hope this experience allows me to learn that the next time I encounter a bitter, paranoid, judgmental person, I could quite safely assume that they are hurt and vulnerable (Duh moment, eh?). However, then, instead of trying to ease their pain, protect myself from them first. I can do a better job (if required) if I disarm them.

Before I end this post I would also like to bring attention the fact that we ALL are scared of one thing or the other. Some more than others. We all need protection, from ourselves and others, and those we love dearly. We are all very vulnerable and very strong, as we have the power to protect ourselves without hurting others.

Comments and suggestions are welcomed.

Strangers connecting...

{woman A to woman C on an RT}

A: I told a woman off once for rushing on ahead of others in the line to get on the bus. She had a stroller with her and said: "But I am with a child and I may not get a seat."

{continued}
A: I don't understand why people do that. Once, this woman had a seat occupied by boxes and didn't even let an 8 month pregnant woman sit.

{At this point, a random woman interrupts; woman B}
B: I hear ya. Once, when I was on the bus with my two kids, this woman decided not to move her stuff. I had my kids in my lap and this really old lady had to stand until I got up with my two little kids to go to the back. O darn! Do you know what its like to be pregnant and not be able to sit?

A: I have never been pregnant but I used to know a doctor who used to wonder why pregnant women make such a big deal about it. He would say "Back in University, I used to carry a veryy heavy backpack and that was fine."

B: Yeah, man. Does he not GET what its like to be pregnant? You carry so much weight ALL THE TIME ... (more detailed conversation about what its like to be pregnant).

B: So, at the time of my daughter's birth, this doctor told me "Remember the stomach cramps you get? Its just going to be like that". Yeah, right! A contraction every freaking minute for 7 hours!

B: When you go in labour, do not forget the epidural! Repeat after me: I want epidural.

A {chuckles}: I want epidural.

B: Yeah, you know what I ended up telling the nurse?

"If you don't get me fucking epidural NOW, I swear to God I will bite your head off and feed it to you!"

And they were on the way to get my epidural.

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It really stood out to me how these women randomly connected over common experiences.

It reminded me of what I read in a book the day before. Women tend to sympathize with each other and they do not feel belittled if someone sympathizes with them, thus the bonding through venting.

The illusions we create...

We are all either very stupid or very smart in a very dumb way. We could be just as innocent as a kid who would believe that the tooth fairy would bring it money in exchange for a tooth. Or we might be extremely smart like, well, for lack of a better example, ourselves. So smart that we're doing the right thing but we don't know what or why we're doing it.

Here we are creating illusions to believe in something that either gives a purpose to our lives or gives us a reason to live. Either makes us want to take care of others or see human beings as free from evil. There are also the ones that let us believe that everything is ok or what you see as truth is the truth. And then there is undeniable belief in Universal truths. Oh and not to forget the deepening relativism and belief in one's own perspectives.

We have created a gazillion illusions around us. They all do one thing. They adhere to us, to keep us psychologically healthy. I hope I didn't offend anyone there, but I don't think you'd disagree. No matter what you believe in, evil nature being innate to human beings or a byproduct of society, it provides you with some relief. Does it not? If you believed you had the correct presuppositions about the world and you find out you were living a lie (think Matrix)... Isn't that scary? Let's imagine you believed you have the complete code of God's law and you met with Hades (God of the underworld - that's a metaphor, if you ARE a monotheist, I know you don't believe in Hades). Hades/underworld represents chaos (Thanks Jordan Peterson!). Imagine you met with absolute chaos caused by yourself for your own self and you believed you had the complete code. How would you justify that? You will, I know you will. And so will those who believe there must be no God because that is how strong our power of rationality is, or should I say our brilliance lie?

Our conscious (as in; the awake part of our subconscious) is either amazingly, breathtakingly dumb or our subconscious is brilliant beyond our comprehension. You can call that God or I can call that subconscious. Guess what they all are? The illusions we create... for a good reason!

Homeless People on the Streets of Toronto

My roommate was telling me stories of her experiences of how the streets of Toronto haven't been safe. Today, one happened to me.

I was pushed to the ground by a homeless person for no apparent reason. I was busy thinking about other stuff to understand that that is considered an assault. I was thinking, "Ok, so, am I going to allow myself to think that this was an evil act?" I was too busy thinking about how I felt about it to think of it as an assault.

I just called Toronto Police to make sure it is considered an assault. And now I so wish I had called the police! Now that I am thinking, I am wondering where the hell I was! Duh! It's assault. He pushed me to the ground for NO reason.

I was also thinking that I have recently been dealing with enough difficult stuff to let this get to me. Frankly, emotionally, this was a small thing for me to be angry at.

I am a little amazed at how your focus can change how you view a situation. My focus was on myself and how I felt about it. My focus was on making sure that I stay emotionally stable over this because this matter didn't need me getting all worked up and destroying the rest of my day by ruminating over it.

O well, for next time, which I hope never comes, I will remember to call the police and stay emotionally stable.

My message is: Be very watchful of your surroundings in downtown Toronto. All I was doing was looking for my roommate's number on my phone. I didn't see him coming. It is weird how I have been in downtown very regularly for years now and this happened now.

Good poetry makes me MELTTT!

I had one of the most enjoyable nights tonight :D. A friend and I sat in my room and read poetry of the two greatest poets in the history of Urdu language; Ghalib and Iqbal.

Do I love poetry or what!? It actually excites me. The deep meaning, the possibility several different meanings, the use of words in extremeluy creative ways, the use of ideas in such creative ways that I can never even imagine... Some part of me feels like it comes alive with such great poetry.

We were reading Ghalib and Iqbal's poetry. Here are a few snippets of my favourites from Ghalib:

Ya rab, woh na samjhay haiN na sumjhaiN gay meree baat
Day aur dil un ko jo na day mujh ko zubaaN aur

hota hai nihaaN gard meiN sehra mere hotay
ghisata hai jabeeN KHaak pe dariya mere aage
[ nihaaN = hidden, gard = dust, sehra = desert, jabeeN = forehead ]

zulmat_kade meiN mere shab-e-GHam ka josh hai
ik shamma'a hai daleel-e-sahar, so KHamosh hai
[ zulmat = darkness, daleele = proof, sahar = morning ]

There is a lottttt of Ghalib's poetry that I love. I can see myself dedicating posts after posts to his poetry.

Stay tuned! And let me know what poetry (if any) you enjoy.

Vegetarianism

I have been a vegetarian for a bit over a month now. I don't remember exactly when it started. It seems like it has been more than a month, easily.

It wasn't something I consciously wanted to be at this point in time. I have thought about becoming a vegetarian at some point in my life but it wasn't going to happen any time soon.

Now, I feel like eating any kind of meat is just wrong. It just feels wrongggg.

A while ago, when I was home, my parents were eating meat kababs and I felt like telling them that they are committing sin. I felt like it was a sin! And guess what, I am far from being religious neither are my parents too religious. I was at a family reunion this past week and for lunch on Saturday, all main dishes were meat and they all looked gooood! I told myself that I will try to eat meat this one time because there is nothing else and because it looked so delicious, I wanted to eat it. I took it in my plate and the thought that its meat ran through my head, I couldn't eat it.

I am learning how to make sure I am getting all required nutrients. Lately, I have been concentrating on protiens and taking vitamins. Soon I will need to start thinking about iron, magnesium, folate and all.

I am just not eating meat. It seems like soon I won't be eating eggs either. I am liking my eggs a lot these days, though :(.

Complexity of understanding

Somethings should be better left as simple as black and white. I am unsure if it is my natural tendency or UofT's education that keeps me from thinking in a simple way.

Nothing is as is. Everything has a gazillion deeper meanings. Everything can be understood in a billion different ways. Everything points to a million different problems and issues. Nothing is as it is. I can not take anything on face value. Everything means something and it is impossible to discern what that something is or which of those meanings is most meaningful.

For example, ever wonder why someone acts a certain way? Why someone says a certain kind of things or why they get angry when others dont? Why someone gets angrier quickly and others dont? Ever tried to answer those questions? It is impossibly difficult to reach conclusions. No, no, not just about others, about yourself too. You can come up with a good answer or a good explanation but can never be sure if its the right one.

Ever tried to make a decision based on those questions? Dear God, it is painstakingly difficult! Sometimes things just get so complicated that you wish you had never started thinking. Thinking and knowing how to look at problems from different aspects doesn't actually make it any easier to solve the problems if there is no certainty about which way to finally look at it. You can collect as much information as you like to support whichever decision you want to take. So, if you're confused about a decision, look at what kind of thoughts/facts occur to you the most. And there you go with your decision.

Let me warn you though, that is going completely against rational, logical thinking. What occurs to you at the moment is based on how you feel about a certain situation at the moment. So what do you do when you keep going back and forth between two emotions that point towards different results?

Well, that is my question and confusion. What do you do?

My solution for now seems to be, I should (and I don't know if I can recommend this) stop thinking so much about my feelings -both near and far sighted- and rational understanding of situations. I should learn to take things as either or, black or white. Simplify my life and my thinking. Decide what can be and what can't be regardless of possible explanation. But haha, I can't accept that. Explanations make a thing different from what it is not, so how can I ignore those?

God help me!

Welcome to Below the Heavens!

So, this blog is all about everything below the heavens. Mind you, that heaven and everything below it, is whatever that runs through my mind!

I hope to write about anything and everything that occurs to me. I will try to keep the entries short. My plan is to have fun with it and share my thoughts with everyone. This will include a lot of topics that my friends and I discuss hour after hour. This will also include stuff that occurs to me as complicated questions but don't get answered much. The point is to share my thoughts and get to see what others think of those issues and how they respond to them. So basically, I want it to be a discussion, a fun one!

I hope to have everything from intellectual issues to the nuances of daily life.

I look forward to emptying my mind out here :D. And for you to (hopefully) enjoy it in some context.

Happy Reading!

On Happiness

The big 5 trait personality theory states that extroverts are happier than introverts. That is, extroverts have more positive emotions compared to introverts. According to the theory, it does not mean that introverts are unhappy people, it just means that introverts are neutral in the ratio between happy and not-so-happy emotions.

However, the big 5 trait theory fails to explain other kinds of happiness. According to some positive psychology researchers there are at least 3 kinds of happiness. The three kinds are:

1) Pleasant life
2) Good or fulfilling life
3) Meaningful life

The extroversion scale concentrates on the pleasant life which basically means higher number of positive emotions felt through interactions with people, interests and hobbies. It concentrates on joy and cheerfulness, but not fulfillment and meaning. We are quite aware that happiness consists of and is defined by most people as more than just cheerfulness. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, "Happiness" is defined as: a): a state of well-being and contentment : joy b): a pleasurable or satisfying experience. Happiness to us means more than joy. It is also contentment and satisfaction.

Before we try to find a place for fulfillment and meaning in the 5 Big Trait Personality theory, let's define what meaningfulness and fulfillment mean.

Fulfillment can be defined as feeling like one accomplished her purpose set out for her by either herself or societal expectations. It means feeling accomplished with what one has, without it handicapping one's ambition for more. It is contentment with ones abilities with respect to the challenges one faces.

Meaningfulness is similar but it has more to do with one's contribution to something external, something larger and more permanent than one's self. It could mean contributing to the society, to nature, to humanity, organizations, movements or belief systems.

Those two definitions of fulfillment and meaningfulness are incorporated by the term "happiness." Thus, when we claim that happiness is extraversion, there is something missing there.

The problem is either with the definition of extraversion or the term used to define happiness. Let's assume that extraversion has to do with nothing but the joyous feelings meant by the use of the word "happiness" when talking about the Trait theory. Now, the question is, how do we incorporate the other two aspects of happiness in the trait theory. If we can not explain the other two aspects of it, we will have to conclude that the trait theory is too limited, or that fulfillment and meaningfulness are umbrella terms for something else i.e. not well-defined.

According to the definition of fulfillment and meaningfulness, it seems like for people to feel those emotions, they need to be highly conscientiousness, low in neuroticism and possibly high in openness.

A highly conscientiousness person would be able to orient herself to do what her conscience agrees with including something meaningful for the world at large and for herself even if it doesn't provide her with immidiate gratification. Not being concerned with immidiate gratification but having the self-descipline to do the right thing even if it is more difficult, defines someone who could have a meaningful life. A person high in conscientiousness can deliberate her actions to achieve goals she considers fulfilling and meaningful in the long term. Thus, allowing herself to feel more than cheerful, if she is high on extravertedness. This means that even an introvert high on conscientiousness can be happy as we define it.

However, there is more to it. A highly consciesntious person may end up being a perfectionist, thus largely unfulfilled with life and always striving for more. To counter that trait, a person must be low in neuroticism to keep herself from getting over worked about smaller details and from being overly self-conscious to do the right thing all of the time.

Lastly, the claim that extraverts are happier people is misguided, in my opinion. It is true that extraverts are more cheerful but not happy in the complete sense of the word. Introverts can be happy too if they are living meaningful and fulfilling lives, that is if they are high in consciencetiousness and low in neuroticism, towards meaningful goals. This is the reason why most introverts would disagree if presented with this model of happiness.