Denial, ftw!

My blog has a few sad insights about the nature of life and such. But I keep them as drafts. I don't want to accept them to be true... and I certainly don't want other people to have to see them because it seems too big, way too big [to me]. I don't want anyone to go about believing that because of me, until and unless I have figured out a way to handle it.

But it's only through recognizing those truths that I can start to choose to value certain things instead of feeling obliged by them...

Ah, there's something I really don't want to let go. I have written about it and felt angry about it and tried to ignore it for over a year. I hope I am wrong and it's actually not true. I hope my assumptions are wrong. The best I can do right now is forget it exists.

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I can think of a few people (by few, I mean two) who would agree that this is how things work and that it is my naivety to believe that things could be/are the way I'd like them to be.

God

An attempt at trying to understand myself better lead to a slightly better understanding of God:

Remove the lampposts that illuminate/define the perceived edges of the definition of God. Remove them and see God's undefinable boundlessness. Once that makes sense, a lot of other things we hold dear will stop making sense... But no, we can't really, actually do that. Our brains are incapable of understanding that cognitively. We may have glimpses of that understanding, quickly covered up again by a strong desire to conceptualize (every concept has limits - limits that define it). 

The best we can do is try to eradicate the desire to stick to our definition of God, the perception that our definition of God is correct. Then, life will open up.

Thoughts on validation and dealing with reality

I recently realized that one of the ways I have been carrying myself and my relationships is an attempt at creating a safe world. An emotionally safe world where it is ok to express yourself and be yourself.

I realized this because I stumbled upon a therapist's blog about helping a client through her anxieties, while making sure the client does not become dependent on the therapist. While discussing the fine balance that has to be maintained, she casually mentioned how the client has to be prepared to deal with the "real" world, which is unlike therapist's office. There are triggers in the 'real' world, it is not always empathetic, it is not always safe and sometimes it's just outright scary.

That hit me. I realized I had been trying to create surroundings that are safe. I am not focused at making sure people are able to deal with their reality. Once again, I am not trying to make sure people are equipped to deal with the reality. I am trying to create a safe space. Those are two different things.

 I wondered if I am trying to run away from dealing with the reality myself by trying to change it (!!!?!).
(On second thought, no, not really.)

I am not sure what my focus should be; to try to impact the "reality" of my surroundings so that it is safer, or create a safe space that gives people the strength to deal with their realities. Or both.

(While I write this, examples of when I outright failed at creating a safe space/ended up hurting people come to mind. Ne pas bien, brain!)

I have also been wondering about the limitations of validation. Validation is extremely powerful but it is also just that. It by itself gets us to feel safe and accept our experiences as they are. But it does not necessarily allow for changes to be made. It may or it may not, depending on other factors.

This is why focus at learning to/helping people deal with reality is also important. So, it may be a two-part process; validation of experiences and incorporation of that understanding to one's relationship with their reality. In my crisis line/face to face experience, the second part sort of naturally flows, but it only flows when a few other elements are already present. Mostly, I believe it has to do with the readiness of the person and their level of empowerment. If their ability to deal with their reality is my priority, my validation will have a dual purpose; to validate the experiences as they are and to help create a better understanding of their reality that helps them deal with it better. But the second part most definitely depends on the readiness of the person.


This makes me SO relieved! I had been afraid that I was going down the road of invalidation just to express that changes can be made. But no, it IS a two-part process that has to be carried out and expressed with care.

Abbu

I was trying to pick out a card for my dad yesterday and I couldn't find any that adequately expressed how I feel about him. Not being able to find anything made me think harder about how I feel about him.

He's an incredibly hard working man. If I put myself in his place, I don't understand how he sacrificed the best years of his life to go live away from his wife and kids just so that he could provide for us. For the longest time, he worked on marine ships and was away for most of the time. He was then back before I was born. Lived with his family the way we're supposed to have it. But the situation in Pakistan forced him to find a job in Saudi Arabia. He spent some ten years away from his wife and kids. TEN YEARS. He would see his wife and kids for a month every year. ONE MONTH every year. We couldn't have moved with him for various other family reasons. 

To this day he wishes he had been there with us when we were growing up. I wish he was there with us when I was growing up. For some reason, among all of us siblings, I have always been the closest to him. I used to make sure I have a letter for him every time my mom sent one, which was very frequently. And of course I used to be upset if my mom mailed him a letter without telling me to write one, or worse if he only wrote to my mom.

I remember missing him, like actually craving for him. I don't know what those years were like for him. Now when we talk about it, he never, ever, ever wants to live without his family.

He was always present in my life still, through numerous letters and phone calls. I still have all of those letters, both the ones he wrote to me and the ones I wrote to him. We had back and forth jokes through letters :).

My daddy is awesome.

I am really quite amazed at how determined and focused he is about the well-being of his family, he lives for it. His life IS all about us. I can see that. I love him!! There are no competing priorities, it is just the family that is at the top of his priorities and nothing whatsoever interferes.

People have jokingly called him a workaholic, because he works that hard (and he might actually be one). I have learned from him what it means to really put yourself to something and give it your all. He makes small, practical goals and he gives it his all. In the end he ends up doing so much better than everyone else I know.

My mom on the other hand aims high. She makes huge goals and puts herself to it. She achieves them too. They just go about them differently. Where my family stands right now, it is because of the mutual efforts of the two of them, their mutual highest priority of the family and their hard working nature to bring about the best kind of life they can provide for us.

I really do need to learn from them both. I "aim" past (what I consider) my upper limits (which is sometimes really impractical). I am still in the process of meeting my goals and I need what my dad does. I know I put myself to my goals too. But I can definitely improve. And I need to learn from my dad.

He definitely is the person from whom I learn what strength looks like. He can face life's adversities and keep going. He doesn't give up easily. He's a real softy on the inside too - just watch him play with my niece and how none of his workaholic stuff matters as soon as it comes to my niece.

This is all regardless of how much I dislike his rules that I have to live by every day and all the disagreements that ensue.

I need to pay attention once again to things that make me happy. 

A few years ago I wrote extensively about what I want out of my life and the person I want to become.

I stumbled upon one of the lists today and realized that I am about 85% the person I wanted to be :). On bad days, I am about 70% of that person, at least. Which is still pretty good. I like the stability I seem to have reached.

The last 15% has to do with becoming more physically fit. I am working on that.

It is also time for more writing though. My goals are different now. And I definitely don't want to get stuck as the person I am right now.

I have limited patience and limited empathy. Situations and people can affect my state of mind and put me in a mental state that I am usually not in and have me act in ways that make me recognize my limitations. I don't want to say or believe that other people are responsible for my annoyed mood. I just need to be mindful.

I am done with a lot of this crap. I want the real thing now.

I want to ask people what drives them in life to take action and make a list of all the answers.