I burst out laughing when I realized my unwavering determination for what I'm about to do feels like suicide. (No, I'm not thinking about physically harming myself).

I'm going to message him after 3 years and ask him to meet me. I'm not preparing for it, not thinking about it, not processing anything. I'm a determined, calm, emotional mess and I need to do this. I have needed to do this for years. I have the guts right now. And I don't know when I may have them again. In his pictures, I see a total stranger. This could be utter shit. I may ruin next few months for myself or begin healing.